Russian FairyTales with Ivan Braginski
by JoyHeart
Summary: Ivan has decided he wants to share his old folktales with all of you lovely Hetalia fans! He's even got his Baltics and some other countries to help him! Possibly by force. Rated so I can do whatever I please. Also... it's very much crack.
1. A Wondrous Wonder, A Marvellous Marvel

_**Russian Fairy Tales With Ivan Braginski**_

_((Joyful Note: This will be updated sporadically and is my Hetalia retelling of class Russian fairy tales from the book _Russian Fairy Tales _collected by Aleksandr Afanastev, translated by Norbert Guterman and published under The Panteon Fairy Tale and Folklore Library. I think its worth read. Also a good note: I flip between country and human names like crazy depending on however I feel they would be addressed by the speaker. Also a good note: This is crack.))_

Warnings for this chapter: Hints of one sided Russia/Lithuania, and spanking

_**A Note from Our Narrator**_

Privyet from Mother Russia! Before I tell you all these classic tales from my homeland, assisted by my lovely Baltics and other helpful countries I think I should make an author's note for all of you reading along at home, da? Da! So you all know, I am Ivan Braginski. I am the personification of the country of Russia and I hope that by sharing my old folk stories with all of you, you will get to know me better and won't be so afraid of me when I say you should become one with mother Russia! After all, all will become one with mother Russia eventually. You might as well get used to the idea.

Anyway, this first tale is a fun one for the whole family to enjoy! And I think it is only right for myself to star in it as the wealthy merchant, my good friend Yao as the old man, Litva as my darling wife and Poland as his wife's lover! Kolkolkol...

So let us begin!

OXOXOX

**The Wondrous Wonder, the Marvellous Marvel**

Once there was a wealthy merchant who traded in rare and precious good, traveling with his wares every year to foreign lands. Like China!

"How did I get dragged into this so early-aru? And I'm not an old man! Or your good friend!"

Ssh, Yao, it is not time for you yet!

One day he fitted out a ship for his voyage and said to his wife: "Tell me, my Litva, what shall I bring you as a gift from foreign lands?"

"M-M-Mr. Russia, w-why do I have to be the wife i-in this... in this _particular_ story?"

Nyet, little Litva, those are not your lines!

"B-but M-Mr. Russia..."

Kolkolkolkol...

"EEP! Er... In your house I have... I-I have a-all I w-want and... and enough of everything! Yeah... everything..."

What is with that grimace, Litva?

"N-nothing! Er, I mean... B-but if you want to gladden my heart, buy me a wondrous wonder, a marvellous marvel!"

The merchant smiled pleasantly, patted his grateful wife on the head-

"Ow!"

Ssh Litva! And he said to her, "Very well. If I find one, I shall buy it."

And so the merchant traveled beyond the borders of mother Russia, into a neighbouring kingdom's most wealthy port. He sold all his cargo, bought a new cargo, and loaded his ship. After his work was done he travelled the streets of the other kingdom, thinking of where he could possibly find a wondrous wonder, a marvellous marvel fit to please his loving wife?

He met an old man-

"I AM NOT OLD-ARU!"

Ah... fine. He met a man who looked very young for his age...

"Thank you-aru."

And very girly for his gender...

"THAT'S IT, I'M LEAVING!"

Nyet! I was only teasing Yao-Yao! Come back! I have a Shinatty-chan plushie for you!

"... alright-aru."

Anyway, the... man, led the merchant to his house and said, "Do you see that goose-aru, walking in my yard?"

"I do," replied the merchant.

The man nodded and said, "Now see what's going to happen to it. Hey, goose, come here-aru!" And the goose came in the room-

"AH! I'M NOT A G-GOOSE MR. RUSSIA!"

But Latvia, if you are not a goose why are you wearing feathers?

"I-I-I-I"

Geese do not break into sobs, silly Latvia! Go on, Yao!

"I... aiyah... er... I-I apologize in advance... Hey goose! Lie down in the roasting pan."

And the goose laid down in the roasting pan.

"NO! NO PLEASE!"

AND THE GOOSE LAID DOWN IN THE ROASTING PAN! Good Latvia!

"Oh g-god..."

The man put it in the oven-

"NO-aru!"

But why not?

"WE ARE NOT ACTUALLY KILLING LATVIA-ARU! I do not approve of that!"

Aw! Fine... well to make a long story short without actually showing anything...

"Th-thank god..."

Party poopers. Anyway, the goose was roasted and set on the table, they ate from it, piling the bones together and when the goose was totally eaten the man wrapped the bones in the tablecloth, threw them on the floor- you can at least cover him in a table cloth, da?

"I suppose- aru..."

"Th-that's not too b-bad I guess... these feathers itch though..."

And the man said, "Hey, goose-aru! Get up, shake your wings and go out into the yard-aru!" The goose got up, shook its wings... da, shaking just like that Latvia! I knew I picked the right goose! Anyway, he shook his wings and went into the yard as if never having been in the oven! Though in this case he never WAS in the oven but...

"Oh don't pout over that-aru! Anyway, I'm out of here! Goodbye-aru!"

Oh well, I can get him back later for another tale if I need him, da? Anyway, the merchant declared, |Indeed, my host, yours is a wondrous wonder a marvellous marvel!" And... well normally he would haggle the price but since Yao has left I get it for free! Right little Latvia?

"R-right sir..."

Da! So he took the goose aboard his ship with him and sailed back to the motherland. He returned home, greeted his wife with a kiss-

"E-eep..."

And smiled as she blushed so prettily for him...

"I-I... um..."

And he gave her the goose, and told her-

"Er, Raivis? W-why are you covered in feathers?"

"I... I'm the g-goose..."

"WHAT? B-but you look-"

"Um... I didn't actually end up in the oven..."

"O-oh, um, I-I thought you looked well considering..."

AND TOLD HER, that she could roast the bird every day without spending money, "Just roast it, and it will come back to life again!"

"O-only please don't Toris..."

The next day the merchant went to his stall in the bazaar and in his absence his wife's stupid lover came to see her.

"Like, hi Liet!"

"Oh god, Feliks get out of here!"

"Like, that's totally rude! I'm staying now!"

"B-but Mr. Russia-"

"Like, I'm not scared of that ugly fatass!"

"... u-um... p-please take this seriously..."

She greeted her lover and offered to prepare a roast goose for him.

"Um, like, I'm a on a diet though!"

"P-please don't argue this, I'm not cooking Raivis anyway..."

"Y-yeah!"

"Like, what does Raivis have to do with anything?"

"U-um, he's the goose..."

"Like... gross."

The wife leaned out of the window and called,

"Oh, my line, um... G-goose! (Sorry...) L-lie down in the roasting pan!"

"NO!" But the goose refused. Luckily it was supposed to do that or little Latvia would be in pain right now, da? "O-oh g-g-god..."

The merchant's wife grew angry and struck it with the roasting pan!

"P-please Mr. Russia..."

Litva...

"O-oh, that smile... er... I-I'M SO SORRY RAIVIS!"

"OW!"

As she did so, the one end of the pan stuck to the goose and herself was stuck to the other end. No matter how she pulled she could not break free, just like the Baltics cannot break free of mother Russia...

"W-what? D-did you use super glue on this or something? I-I'm really stuck!"

Da, Litva! Don't worry, I'll use glue solvent later, da? Though it still might rip the skin a little... but no matter!

So the wife said, "RUN FELIKS!"

Nyet, the wife said... "Er... o-oh sweetheart, um... wr-wrench me loose from this roasting pan! That accursed goose must be bewitched!"

"Like, cool!" The lover grasped the merchant's wife and he stuck to her. Well, in this case he also ended up stuck to the pan since I couldn't cover Litva in super glue, but the general idea is still there, da?

"Like, gross! This is really bad for my hands, do you guys like, have ANY idea how much moisturizer I'm going to have to use now?"

The goose ran out into the yard- yes go _on_ Latvia! Good! Then onto the street, and dragged them both to the bazaar. The clerks saw their plight and rushed forward to separate them, but whoever touched them stuck to them as well! A crowd gathered to look at this wonder, and the merchant too came out of his stall. He saw something was wrong of course.

"Who are all these new friends of my wife?" he wondered.

"Yeah, like, who a_re_ these people Liet?"

"I-I don't know! I-I don't know how Mr. Russia got these people to help with this!"

They are extras, da? Anyway, the merchant looked at his wife,

"EEP!"

And said, "Confess everything, otherwise you will stay stuck together like this forever." There was no way out of it, ever, for his wife, no matter what she tried-

"Th-this is still about the s-story... i-isn't it? M-Mr. Russia?"

So the merchant's wife confessed her guilt and... This is my favourite part, da?

"OH GOD PLEASE DON'T!"

"Like, what's going on?"

"O-o-o-oh god..."

He PULLED THEM APART FROM THE PAN!

"AAAAAH!"

"LIKE, OUCH!"

"YOU SAID YOU'D USE SOLVENT!"

I lied, da? Anyway, he then... soundly thrashed the lover!

"Like... what?"

"I TOLD YOU TO RUN FELIKS!"

"Like... OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M OUT OF HERE!"

AWW! Litva, you made him run away!

"Wh-wha, me?"

Anyway, he took his darling wife Litva home and gave her a good hiding too!

"N-no! C-come on, th-there's children!"

Latvia may leave! And now that he is gone... down go the pants!

"AH!"

Over my knee... for a spanking!

"NO! NO! A-AH!"

And with each blow he repeated:

"HERE IS YOUR WONDROUS WONDER, YOUR MARVELLOUS MARVEL!"

There, and up goes the pants... that wasn't so bad, da Litva?

"Oh my god... M-Mr. Russia..."

Oh, don't cry little Litva... it is all over now, da? All you got was a little spanking, you've had worse before, da?

"Th-that doesn't h-help!"

But it is over, da?

"I-I guess but... but... er... h-how many more fairy tales are there... r-right now... that you want to do..."

Hmm... I think... not counting this one... 178!

"I-I-I..."

Hmm? Litva? Oh, he passed out! He is so cute sleeping on the floor da? Well, I'd best put my little wife to bed, da? I hope to see your readership soon! Goodbye for now!

_((So... that was disturbing. But Russia is your narrator, what do you do? Now... I might switch up this story telling manner in other chapters. I could have some with other characters filling in as narrator, or I could have a third person omnipotent for some, but in general, it will be Russian fairy tales and the vast, VAST majority will involve Russia to some extent or other. And a variety of other nations will pop by as this goes on. It will be updated very sporadically and will be very crackish in most cases. And dark possibly as well. I hope you grow to like it somehow.))_


	2. The Fox Physician

**Russian Fairy Tales with Ivan Braginski 2**

Warnings: Latvia torture, Prussian molestation, and if you count Latvia as shota I suppose I'll warn of some Prussia X Latvia too, as well as one sided Russia/Prussia

_**A Note from the Narrator:**_

Privyet readers! I've come back to tell you another story from the motherland, you are all happy, da? I hope so. If not I might have to hurt my actors for not doing a good enough job yesterday! But so far I've only had good comments, so I hope to see even more people eager to become one with me as I tell more cheerful tales!

This next story tells a valuable lesson about not trusting a fox. I have decided not to be in this story since only the fox gets a happy ending and I am not a fox, da? But because I am generous today, I will let my Gilbunny be the fox! Also there is an old man and his old wife, who I have decided should be Estonia and Latvia, since Litva is still sore from yesterday he says. He won't be able to escape for long though... kolkolkol...

Well with that, I will begin! Enjoy the story!

OXOXOX

**The Fox Physician**

Once upon a time there was an old man who lived with his old wife.

"I-I still have some feathers stuck to my head from yesterday, don't make me do this again! I don't want to be a part of another twisted Russian story!"

"LATVIAAAAAA!"

Kolkolkol...

"AH! I-I'M SORRY MR. RUSSIA!"

Da, that's better! Now then, because both of them were hungry they decided to each plant a head of cabbage. The husband planted his in the cellar and the wife planted hers in an ask bin. The woman's cabbage died, but the man's grew and grew until it reached the floor above the cellar!

"AH! I-It almost hit me! How did it grow so fast?"

"Can you grow cabbage by planting the heads, E-Eduard?"

"I... I guess... so..."

Da, in this tale you can at least! Anyway, the old man took an ax and cut a hole right over the cabbage.

"You would think it would be more sensible to just cut down the cabbage..."

What was that Estonia?

"N-nothing sir!"

Da! So again the cabbage grew and grew until it reached the ceiling!

"AH! It almost hit me again!"

DA! It was very funny! Oh, and the old man cut away the ceiling, so it grew to reach the sky! But how could the old man look at the top of his cabbage now?

"I don't even like... I-I mean I love cabbage! B-best vegetable in the world!"

Kolkol... well anyway, ESTONIA climbed the stalk until he reached the sky, cut a hole in the sky-

"What? How am I supposed to- AH! H-how tall is this thing?"

You can cut the hole today Estonia, you are in a fairy tale, da? Now then, he cut the hole and climbed out there, looking about him. Millstones were all around, and when they turned a cake and slice of bread with sour cream and butter appeared! On top of these a pot of gruel. The old man ate and drank his fill and laid down to sleep.

"Er, I-I'd rather not eat the gruel sir..."

Have you eaten your fill though?

"Y-yes..."

Then you do not have to, did I say you had to?

"I-I suppose not sir..."

Do you think I'm unreasonable?

"N-no sir!"

Good. You like to stay out of trouble, don't you Estonia?

"Er... y-yes?"

And that is why you get to live!

"Th-thank you sir..."

You're welcome! Now then, when he had slept enough, he climbed down to the ground and said:

"What? Oh right, line er... Old woman! Old woman! What a good life one leads in heaven! There are millstones there; each time they turn one finds cake, and bread and gruel!"

"I-I don't like gruel..."

But that is not the point, is it Latvia?

"Ah, n-no Mr. R-Russia... um... How can I get there, old man? Er... hopefully besides the obvious method..."

The old man replied, "Er... y-yes Latv- old woman! Um... s-sit in this bag and I will carry you there."

The old woman thought a while, or would if Latvia could think for himself, da? And finally seated herself in the bag!

"F-first the table cloth now this? I-I guess it's not too bad..."

Da Latvia! Now then, the old man took the bag in his teeth and began to climb to heaven.

"My _teeth_? Er... A-alright... thank god Raivis isn't heavy..."

"I-I don't feel very safe like this..."

Da! Now then, after they climbed for a long time, the old woman grew weary- yes the _woman_ Estonia, let's not have that look, da? And she said,

"S-sorry Eduard, um... I-is it still far, old man?"

And the old man said... yes _said_ Estonia! I don't care if you're holding the bag in your teeth!

"Er... sh-shtill fa o' wo'ah"

"O-oh..."

Again he climbed and climbed and the woman said, "I-is it still far, old man?"

"Er... Sh-shtill- OH GOD LATVIAAAAAAAAA!"

Aww! Estonia, you dropped him too early, you were supposed to get much higher than that!

"Oh god! Latvia! Raivis!"

Well da, you should climb down now... anyway. So, the old woman fell to the ground and was smashed to bits...

"WHAT?"

"N-no... I'm still... alive..."

What? Aw!

"W-what?"

"Ssh Latvia!"

Well pretend to be smashed to bits then! Anyway, the old man climbed down the stalk and picked up the back, but in it there were only bones and they were broken into little pieces.

"W-what? But Mr. Russia, y-you didn't really m-mean to kill me... d-did you?"

Hmm? But Latvia, you are a nation, da? You would've come back to life!

"I-it still would have hurt though!"

So?

"... o-o-o-oh god..."

Anyway, the old man set out for home, weeping bitterly. Latvia, ESTONIA is supposed to be weeping! You're supposed to be dead, the least you could do is stop crying!

"S-sorry M-Mr. Russia..."

"Hey, when is the awesome me getting into this story? And what the HELL are these rabbit ears for? I'm supposed to be a fox!"

But bunny ears make you look so much cuter, da?

"Shut up asshole!"

Anyway, the old man met a fox/rabbit, and he asked him,

"Why are you... why the hell is your bag crying?"

Latvia...

"I-I'm sorry Mr. Russia!"

"Whatever! Just shut the bag up and the awesome me will heal your wife or something!"

The old man threw himself at the fox/rabbit's feet.

"Kesesese! Yeah, throw yourself where you belong old man!"

You don't say that Gilbunny.

"Oh yes I do! And quit calling me that! That's it, rabbit ears are coming off! Wait... what the hell... DID YOU SUPERGLUE THESE ON?"

I had some left over from the pot yesterday, da?

"YOU ASSHOLE!"

So the old man said, "Er... h-heal her and I will give you anything you ask in return."

"... I'm going to kill you one day you know."

Oh yes, the mighty enclave of Kaliningrad will kill the largest country on earth. I'm so scared, da?

"DAMN IT I'M EAST GERMANY NOW!"

Keep telling yourself that.

"ARG! I'm just finishing this thing and I'm OUT of here! And I'm going to get so drunk I won't remember any of this! YOU! OLD MAN! Heat up a bath, put out a bag of oatmeal, a crock of butter and put the old woman beside it and STAY THE FUCK OUT!"

So, the old man heated the bath, brought what was called for and stood behind the door. The fox/rabbit entered the bathhouse, latched the door, and washed the old woman's bones. But we don't have bones, so just wash Latvia!

"W-what?"

"... you... are giving me permission to molest a cute nation in the bath?"

Da!

"Kesesese! VITAL REGIONS!"

"N-NOOOOOOOO!"

Actually, he did not so much wash them as lick them clean!

"Even better!"

"AH! A-aah~"

"Heh, you like it!"

From behind the door, the old man called: "W-why is Latvia... um... h-how is the old woman?"

"She's stirring! Kesesese..."

"A-aah! D-don't, n-not there..."

Maybe I should have been the fox after all...

"No way asshole! Latvia's mine now! Vital regions claimed!"

But you both belong to me, so it doesn't matter, da?

"ASSHOLE I DON'T BELONG TO YOU!"

Whatever you say my Gilbunny! Now then, the fox finished... eating the old woman and gathered the bones in a corner and prepared a pudding. The old man waited and waited and the fox finished eating the pudding and... Gilbunny, I said make a pudding!

"I don't know how to make pudding!"

... KOLKOLKOLKOL

"IF I CAN'T MAKE PUDDING I CAN'T MAKE PUDDING! Damn it Russia if you want a pudding so bad YOU make it!"

Fine, I will, da? –30 seconds later—Pudding!

"How...? Never mind... actually this is kind of good... for stupid Russian food..."

I'll ignore that for now Gilbunny. Anywa, the fox/rabbit then said,

"Old man, open the door wide so the awesome me can get out of here! Where the hell is Gilbird?"

"Er..."

The old man opened the door and the fox/rabbit leaped out of the bathhouse and tried to run home but was first caught by the narrator!

"AH! LET GO COMMIE!"

Nyet! Anyway, the old man entered the bathhouse, found his old wife... well she was supposed to be still dead with her bones under the bench and old man was SUPPOSED to be left alone in misery, but I guess it's more like he found his wife naked and covered in her own precum. Oh well!

"L-latvia?"

"I-I'm s-sorry... Th-this is kind of embarrassing huh?"

"Y-yeah, er, I-I'll go find you clothes or something..."

And then the narrator had fun with his fox/rabbit Gilbunny all night long!

"NO! LET GO! NOOOOO! I THOUGHT I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET A HAPPY ENDING?"

But this is a happy ending Gilbunny!

"NO IT ISN'T!"

Until next time readers, do svidaniya!

_((... I think I just like giving Russia a harem. I'm a terrible person. Again, so much crack... I've decided to give a try at one or two stories every day for as long as I can, with some exceptions since they aren't long and not that hard to write this way. Hope you enjoy.))_


	3. The Death of the Cock

**Russian Fairy Tales with Ivan Braginski 3**

Warnings: Implied one sided Russia/Lithuania and one sided Russia/Prussia, as well as a little one sided Prussia/Latvia and also character death. But don't worry, they'll come back to life the next chapter I'm sure.

_**A Note from the Narrator:**_

Privet readers! I am so happy that you have all enjoyed the last two stories, da? And there are many, _many_ more to go through! You will all soon realise that mother Russia is the greatest country and all should join it. At least, I hope you'll realise it. I take comfort that all will be one with me someday soon! Until then, I will have to simply enjoy myself with the ones who are already one with me, like the Baltics, and Gilbunny! Even if they think they left me, no one truly leaves mother Russia...

In any case, it is time to begin our third story! Now this story has many characters, but the main one is our lovely hen, and since Latvia still can't seem to get all the feathers off of his body, he can be the main character today, da? But there is also a cock, who I think can be Estonia since he needs to be punished for dropping the bag too early last time... kolkolkol... but I think the rest of the characters can be introduced as they come. That way it is a surprise! I enjoy surprises, da?

So enjoy this next tale!

OXOXOX

**The Death of the Cock**

"D-death of the cock, sir?"

Da Estonia, do you have a problem?

"B-but... a-aren't I the... the..."

Da! This is punishment, remember? Aw, don't look so horrified! You know you are a nation; you can always come back to life!

"But... but it still hurts!"

No complaining, or the punishment will be worse for you, da?

"Y-yes... y-yes sir..."

Estonia is always my good one who stayed out of trouble! It is sad to punish you, but how will you learn otherwise? Now then, to the story!

A hen and a cock were walking in the priest's barnyard. Suddenly the cock began to choke on a bean.

"HACK!"

"O-OH NO! Wait... Um... I-I always wanted to try this... ESTONIAAAAAAA! Er, s-sorry, don't look at me like that Eduard! Er..."

The hen was sorry for him, so she went to the river to ask for some water.

"But, er, sh-shouldn't I just perform the Heimlich manoeuvre and-"

Nyet Latvia, go to the river and ask.

"But, er, c-couldn't I just get the water without asking?"

Is that polite, Latvia?

"Er... I suppose not but... how?"

Ask Latvia. Now.

"Eeep! Um, M-Ms. River, er, c-can I have some water please?"

And the river answered, "Go to the lime tree and ask for a leaf; then I will give you some water."

"AH! THE RIVER IS TALKING TO ME!"

Latvia, you are in a fairy tale, we know this is natural now, da?

"S-still though..."

Anyway, the hen went to the lime tree and said, "These feathers still itch... er, lime tree, lime tree, give me a leaf! I will take the leaf to the river and the river will give me water to give to the cock who is choking on a bean and lying like one dead! I-I hope he isn't actually... er..."

The lime tree answered, "Go to the dairymaid, and ask for some thread. Then I will give you a leaf."

"W-why do you want thread?"

"DON'T QUESTION A TALKING TREE!"

"H-HELP MR. RUSSIA!"

Latvia, it is only a talking tree and a fairy tale, please just do what the tree says and don't question it.

"I-I don't think-"

If you'd like, I could switch yours and Estonia's roles and YOU can choke to death on a bean.

"N-NO! I'm okay... er... b-because I already... last story I... er... s-sorry Eduard..."

The hen went then to the dairy maid.

"Um, L-Liechtenstein isn't it?"

"Yes, yes it is!"

"Um, isn't that Switzerland standing- EEP! I-is the gun really needed Mr. Switzerland?"

"Ten feet away from my sister at all times unless you want to get shot."

"Er... o-okay but... why are you helping Mr. Russia with this?"

"He... he might've offered to buy us dinner... it would save money..."

"I-I see."

Da, now if Liechtenstein could give a prompt?

"Of course! So do you have something to ask me, the dairy maid?"

"O-oh yes! Um... Dairymaid, Dairymaid, give me some thread; I will take it to the lime tree and it will give me a leaf, I will take the leaf to the river and the river will give me water to give to the cock who chokes on a bean and-"

Breathe Latvia.

"Y-yes, er, he chokes on a bean and lies as if dead!"

"Oh? Certainly you can have some thread then Miss Hen!"

Liechtenstein, that is not-

"HEY! Don't give my sister that look unless you want your face splattered against the wall!"

B-but, she's not supposed to-

"Big brother, if the cock is dying we should give them thread, shouldn't we?"

Oh! May I point out that thread can be expensive, da?

"Expensive? That's... that's a good point. You!"

"Eep!"

"Can you pay for this thread?"

"Big brother..."

"P-pay? I-I-I... n-no..."

"Um, big brother, perhaps he can go to the cow and get some milk. If he brings us that, we could give him the thread couldn't we?"

"Well... fine. Fine I guess. Whatever."

"Th-thank you Liechtenstein, I-I'll get some milk..."

Oh good, things are back on track now, da? So, the hen went to the cow.

"THE HELL IS WITH THESE ANIMAL COSTUMES? I'M TOO AWESOME FOR THIS! AND COWS DON'T HAVE RABBIT EARS!"

But Gilbunny's ears are still stuck on though!

"AND WHY AM I A COW? ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT? I'M THE OPPOSITE OF FAT!"

True. But Gilbunny, you still look so cute in that costume!

"U-um, hello M-Mr. Prussia..."

"Kesese, hey Latvia, wanna finish what we started yesterday?"

"N-no thank you Mr. Prussia..."

Don't worry Gilbunny, I'll help finish with you later!

"NOT YOU!"

It's not as though you have a choice!

"I... I hate you so much I can't even yell anymore."

Anyway, Latvia, your lines!

"R-right. Um. Cow, cow, give me some milk to take to the dairymaid, who will give me thread to take to the lime tree-"

"Why does a lime tree need thread?"

"I don't know... er... but the tree will give me a leaf to give to the river who will give me water to give to the cock that is choking on a bean and is lying as if dead?"

"Who's playing the cock?"

"Er, E-Estonia?"

"Well I don't really care so... just get the hay that I'm supposed to get so I can leave then."

"O-oh..."

So the hen went to the mowers to get some hay.

"U-um, hi Toris!"

"Raivis? I was just mowing the field with Feliks... er... wherever he went..."

"O-oh! Um, d-do you know you're part of Russia's story right now?"

"What? Again? Oh no... what story?"

It is the Death of the Cock, Litva!

"AH! M-Mr. Russia! W-wait, who's the cock?"

"U-um... Eduard..."

"What? Hurry, take this hay and-"

Nyet Litva!

"But-"

Kolkolkol...

"I-I... er... s-sorry Eduard... um... Go to the-"

Nyet Litva, let Lativa say his lines first!

"I-I will! Um, Mower, mower, give me some hay to take to the cow who will give me milk to... to take to the... milk... dairymaid! Who will give me milk- er, I mean give me thread to take to the lime tree, though I don't know why... a-and it will give me a leaf to give to the river who will give me water to take to the cock who is LYING AS IF DEAD and choking on a bean!"

"Um... are you going to remember all that by the end?"

"I... I really don't know..."

"Er... w-well, since it's the way the story goes... please get the Smiths to forge a scythe. Then I will give you hay."

"A-alright... thank you Toris..."

"P-please don't thank me..."

"Oh..."

And so the little hen went to the Smiths!

"AH! I-it's Sweden..."

"W't d' y'u w'a?"

"AH! H-he's scary!"

Lines Latvia!

"EEK! Um... S-smith, Smith, please forge a scythe for the mower who will give me... hay for the milk-dairyman- MAID! Who will give me th-thread for the... the lime tree for some reason and... oh I left out the cow! Um, st-stop Mr. Russia I-I'll fix- OW! Er, the hay is for the cow who gives milk for the dairymaid who gives thread for the lime tree and the tree gives a leaf for the river cause I need water for Eduard whose choking on a bean and dying, HELP ME PLEASE!"

Kolkolkol...

"..."

Sweden, I will give you these lines to read to make it easy, da?

"... d'n't like y'u."

Sweden...

"Y'u t'k m' wife tha' on' t'me."

Oh but... but... fine. Just go and get him some coal from the Laians, Latvia.

"Who?"

The Laians! They inhabit the village of Laia, near the river of Laia!

"Um, okay... why would they have coal though?"

Silly ignorant Latvia... they are known for extracting coal for smithies in the port of Archangel!

"... a-alright Mr. Russia..."

So the hen went to the Laians!

"Er, th-there's no one here..."

No one but me!

"Er, y-you're the Laian, Mr. Russia?"

Da! Now say your lines, little hen!

"R-right so... um... Laian, Laian! Um... g-give me s-some c-c-coal! I-I will t-take... t-take it to... eep... t-take it to... Sweden... the Smith! He will forge a scythe for Toris! I mean the mower! P-please don't hit me! A-and he'll give me hay for the maid- I MEAN THE COW! Th-the cow will give me milk for the dairymaid and the dairymaid will give me thread for the tree and the tree gives a leaf for the river who will give me water for the cock who is choking on a bean, he cannot breathe and he cannot sneeze and he is lying like one dead!"

Good Latvia!

"Th-thank you sir..."

So the Laian graciously gave the hen some coal-

"F-finally! I mean, th-thank you sir..."

If you are patient you may finally get something you ask for!

"I-is that the moral, sir?"

You will see, da? So the hen took the coal to the smith!

"... th'nks."

Who made a scythe. The hen took the scythe to the mower.

"Hurry Raivis!"

"Like, hi Latvia!"

"There you are Feliks. Er, where were you?"

"Like, painting the tractor pink!"

"Oh."

The mower gave the hen some hay which it took to the cow.

"I can get my awesome self home NOW, right?"

Not until we've had more fun together!

"NO WAY!"

We shall see though, da? Maybe Litva can join us! He looks so cute sweating in the sun of the field...

"You're fucking sick you know that?"

Anyway, the cow gave the hen some milk-

"You bet I did! Kesesese..."

"Um, M-Mr. Prussia, this is going to Liechtenstein..."

"Wh-what? HOLY SHIT GIVE THAT BACK! I-I'm getting different milk..."

... And I am sick, Gilbunny? Well anyway, the cow gave the hen some milk, which it took to the dairymaid.

"Thank you Latvia! Oops, I mean, Miss Hen!"

"Y-you're welcome..."

"TEN FEET!"

"EEK! Y-YES MR. SWITZERLAND!"

The dairymaid... er... rolled some thread over to the hen who took it to the lime tree.

"Um, Ms. Lime Tree?"

"Yeah?"

"Um... p-please er... w-why do you need thread?"

"IT'S A FAIRY TALE, BOY!"

"AH! I'M SORRY!"

And the hen took the leaf of the tree to the river.

"Thanks man."

"N-no trouble... actually a lot of trouble! Come to think of it, why did you need the lime leaf?"

"Well, if you're going to drink my water it should be properly flavoured!"

"I-I DON'T CARE ABOUT FLAVOURING, THE COCK IS DYING!"

"Well you should have said something earlier!"

Tee hee! So the hen took the water-

"W-wait, so I made that journey for no reason?"

It made a story, da? Also, you aren't supposed to know why you need to give the river a leaf, you just had to question it, didn't you?

"I-I..."

No matter! So the hen finally took the water to the cock. But he was lying there quite still, neither panting nor breathing. He had choked to death on a bean!

"W-what? ESTONIAAAAAAA!"

And that is the end of the story!

"What? But... Eduard!"

Oh he'll come back to life in a day or so, you know that!

"But... but... but... w-what's the moral supposed to be to this story?"

Hmm... well I always thought it meant that if you do not take what you want without considering the other's feelings, then your family will die while you are trying to work out a deal, da?

"Th-that moral is... o-oh..."

Anyway, I had a cow/bunny to play with!

"NO YOU DON'T ASSHOLE!"

Aww, you took off the cow costume! It looked so cute!

"E-Eduard... I'd better move your body somewhere safer..."

"LET GO OF ME DAMN IT! A-aah... st-stop!"

Goodbye readers, until next time, I have a bunny to molest some more!

"THERE IS NO CONTEXT FOR THIS! STUPID RUSSIAN!"

_((So I feel proud of myself. This whole story went by and I didn't make one flaccid penis joke. I AM SLOWLY LOWERING MY PERVERSION LEVEL. Anyway, I wanted to update these last two days, but I was in Toronto all day Wednesday and worked all day Thursday. Today is Canada Day. I'll try to get out another chapter or two to make up for the last two days but no promises.))_


	4. Misery

**Russian Fairy Tales with Ivan Braginski 4**

_**A Note from the Narrator:**_

Privyet readers! Today's story is a little different then the last three I think. For one thing, it is a bit longer, and also I really like this one. Which is why I worked extra hard to get all the nations in it to comply!

So this story has four roles to fill. I have Denmark as the rich man, Sweden as the poor man, and Finland as his wife. I think Sweden will actually help this time though since Finland convinced him... Finland and I get along fairly well, enough that he would play a role in this story, da? And as for the title character of Misery, I decided to pick the most miserable nation I know! After all, loneliness makes one miserable da?

I suppose that's all. I hope you like this story as much as I do!

OXOXOX

**Misery**

In a certain village there lived two peasants, blood brothers-

"N' we 'ren't."

"Sure we are! All us Nordics are bros, and I'm your big brother!"

"Sh't up D'nma'k."

"Talk normal!"

"... no."

"Keep going Russ!"

... I'm regretting this casting already. But Estonia is still partially dead from yesterday and Litva is still helping Poland with farm work so I make due, da? Anyway, of these brothers, one was rich and the other was poor. And please don't argue on this, it is a fairy tale, you are playing roles, da?

"Yeah! I get to be the rich one!"

"F'ne w'th me."

"Hey no arguing Sweed, it... wait, why are you okay with that?"

Who knows, da? Anyway, the rich one went to live in town, built himself a big house, and joined the merchant's guild, but the poor one often had not even a piece of bread in his house and his little child sometimes wept and begged for something to eat.

"Wh't? Seal'nd?"

"Hey! If I can't have food, recognise me as a country!"

"... m'be wh'n yer older."

"Yes! I'm gonna be the strongest country ever!"

"... s're y'u will."

Ah, I didn't invite you Sealand. I told Latvia to play the child today, da?

"Yeah I know, but he told me he was busy, so I'm filling in! That way you'll be sure to see me as a country, right?"

Nyet, never.

"What? But... but that's..."

Anyway-

"NO! Why can't I be a country?"

Because you're not even land, you're a piece of metal off the coast of England, da?

"RACIST!"

"J'st i'nore h'm, Seal'nd."

Whatever, da? Anyway, from morning till night this peasant struggled like a fish against ice, but he could never earn a thing.

One day he said to his wife: "I 'ill go t' t'wn 'n as'... as' m' broth'r fer h'lp."

"I'm not his wife!"

You might as well be though, da?

"I'm not a girl!"

But you're small and cute like a girl, da?

"... I'm still not-"

It is a fairy tale! Why will no one appreciate that? You said you would play the part, da?

"You said I would be the peasant!"

You are a peasant... just a female one! Latvia didn't complain about playing a girl. Anyway, the poor man came to the rich man and said:

"..."

"Come on ,beg me Sweed!"

"... ah, m' own br'th'r, h'lp me a li'l in m' m's'ry; m' w'fe 'n child are w'thou' bread, th'y go hung'y fer days on end."

"Work in my house for a week and I'll help you!"

"... st'pid st'ry."

What could the poor man do? He set to work, swept the yard, curried the horses, carried the water, and chopped the wood. He- Denmark, the poor man didn't do that.

"I wanted a Swedish massage!"

"... st'pid D'nmark..."

Um... well it doesn't really matter. Anyway, at the end of the week the rich brother gave him one loaf of bread.

"Here! This is for your work!"

"... ass."

Ah, but the poor man is supposed to be... grateful... er... alright fine.

"HA! But tomorrow is my name day, so bring your cute wife with you tomorrow and feast with me!"

"... f'ck y'u."

Nyet, Sweden!

"I'm n't go'n."

But... but you have to go! It's how the story goes, da?

"I'm n't a Bal'ic, y'u can't scare me unl'ss-"

Well you leave me no choice.

"LEAVE M'W'FE ALONE!"

Oh I have no intention of harming Finland, da? But I DO happen to have pictures of what you did with Denmark at Prussia's last birthday party that he might find of interest...

"Y'u w'n't."

I would.

"... f'ne I'll go."

"Awesome! You have pictures of that, Russ? I want copies!"

Nyet, but if Sweden refuses to play his role then maybe you can have a few...

"Sweet."

"... f'ck b'th o' y'u."

The poor man returned home, gave the loaf of bread to his wife and told her that they had been invited to a feast.

"A feast? Who has invited you?" asked the wife. "I'm not his wife..."

"M' br'th'r. T'morrow 's his n'me day."

"Very well, we shall go."

You are a very good actor Finland! So cute!

"St'p h'ttin' on m' w'fe."

"I-I'm not your wife! But... please stop Russia, it's a little creepy..."

Oh but-! ... Fine. The next morning they rose and went to the town. They came to their rich brother's house, congratulated him, and sat down on a bench. Many prominent guests were already seated at the tabvle. They host served them all abundantly, but he forgot even to think of his poor brother and sister-in-law-

"I forget about them? But they're my cute little siblings!"

Da, you do, go back to drinking.

"Will do!"

"St'pid party."

So the rich brother did not offer them anything, they just sat and watched the others eat and drink. The dinner was over, the guests began to rise and thank the host. The poor man too rose, bowed to the ground before his brother-

"YEAH! Bow to me Sweed!"

"N't on yer l'fe."

Pictures?

"Pictures? What pictures?"

"... f'ck. N'thin' F'nl'nd."

"Er... if you're sure... y-you're actually bowing to him?"

"Damn right he is!"

"... h'ate y'u."

The guests then went home, drunken and marry, noisy and singing songs. The poor man, however, when home with an empty stomach. He said to his wife,

"L'ts sing a song too."

"Eh? You blockhead! The others are singing because they ate savoury dishes and drank their full! What gives you the idea of singing?"

"... I-I'm n't a bl'ckh'd..."

"I-I'm just acting Su-san..."

"...oh. R'ght. Well, af'er all, I've be'n a' m' br'th'r's feast an' I'm ash'med t' walk w'thou' singing. If I sing, ev'ryone'll think I had a good t'me too."

"Well, singing if you must, but I won't."

The peasant began singing a... singing... huh, Sweden is actually very good singer, da?

"And... and he's not mumbling- oh he stopped!"

"Keep tell'n the st'ry."

Ah, da. So the peasant began singing and heard two voices! The peasant turned to his wife.

"W's it y'u who accomp'nied me w'th a thin voice?"

"I wouldn't think of singing a note!"

"Th'n who was it?"

"I don't know, but sing again, I will listen."

He sang again and although he alone sang, two voices could be heard. And... ouch, the other voice sings horribly...

"BLOODY HELL, NO I DON'T!"

"You have England playing Misery?"

He is miserable, da?

"No I'm not you wanker! It just happens to rain a lot where I live, that doesn't mean I'm miserable!"

Then why do you always cry when you're drunk? Also your brothers are mean to you and you're all alone on your island... though if you became one with Russia...

"No one wants to become one with you, blooming tart..."

Hmph. Well you're Misery in this story.

"What story is this anyway? Absolutely ridiculous..."

It is a Russian fairy tale!

"... a faerie tale you say? ... Fine, I'll play Misery for you, but only to appease the Russian faeries since I doubt you're doing very well at that."

I have no idea what you're talking about, but if you'll play your part I have no problem, da? Anyway, upon hearing both voices, the poor man stopped.

"M'sery? Is that y'u who is singing w'th me?"

"Yes, yes it's me, I'm singing with you."

"W'll M'sery, l'ts w'lk t'geth'r."

"We shall master, I will never desert you now."

Hmm, England is a decent actor too, da? You and Finland are much better at this than my Baltics, da?

"Obviously I'm a good actor; I've performed Shakespeare for centuries for god's sake!"

Anyway, the peasant came home, and Misery told him to go to the tavern with him. The peasant answered: "I've no m'ney."

"What do you need money for? I see you have a sheepskin, but of what use is it? Summer will be here soon, and you will not wear it anyhow! Let us go to the tavern and sell the sheepskin!"

The peasant and Misery went to the tavern and drank away the sheepskin. Oh...

"AMERICA! WHY THE HELL DID YOU LEAVE YOU UNGRATEFUL IDIOT? BAKA BAKA BAKA!"

"... Does he kn'w he's spe'kin Jap'nese?"

Um... let's speed up time, da? On the following day-

"Ow, my head... I can't remember... what happened last night?"

"I d'n't th'nk there WAS a l'st n'ght... wh't did..."

I sped up time, because I'm the narrator, da?

"... b't th't's n't p'ssible..."

"It's a faerie tale, so... well it's possible that..."

"Wh't?"

I don't know what you're talking about England, but let's continue the story day? So on the following day, Misery began to moan that his head ached from drinking and he called upon his master to drink some wine.

"I've no m'ney."

"What- ow my head... er, what do we need money for? Take your sledge and cart, those will do!"

There was nothing to be done, the peasant could not rid himself of Misery. He took his sledge and cart, dragged them to the tavern and drank them away with his companion. The following morning-

"Ow, ow, ow, can't I get a little time to enjoy being drunk before we skip to the hangover?"

You only complain about that pig America when drunk anyway. So, the next morning Misery moaned more than before and called upon his master to go drinking again. The peasant drank away his harrow and plough. Before a month had gone by he had squandered everything, even pawning his hut to a neighbour and taking the money to the tavern.

"AMEEEERRRRIIIICAAA!"

"... E'gl'nd, p't yer p'nts b'ck on..."

Sweden isn't drunk yet?

"D'n't g't dr'nk easy."

Hmm... anyway, still Misery pressed him,

"Come 'hic' on! Let's go to the pub!"

"M'sery, do as y'u like, there's n'thing m're to sell."

"Wrong old bean! Your wife has two outfits, leave her one and drink the other away!"

The peasant took one dress and drank it away thinking that now he was cleaned out, with neither a house nor home and nothing left to either him or his wife.

"I-I'm s'rry F'nl'nd..."

"Su-san, it's just a story, I-I'm know you would never do this in real life."

The next morning Misery awoke, saw that his master had nothing left to be taken away and said, "Listen 'hic' listen to me wanker! Get your neighbour to lend his cart and oxen!"

The peasant then went to his neighbour and said: "N'rway?"

"Hmm?"

"... g've me yer c'rt 'n a pair of ox'n fer a sh'rt t'me. I'll w'rk a week t' pay y'u fer t' h're o' th'm."

"... what do you need them for?"

"... T' go t' the woods fer s'me logs."

"... don't overload the cart."

He then brought the pair of oxen, sat with Misery on the cart and drove into the open field.

Then Misery said, "Master, do you know the big stone in this field?"

"O'course I kn'w it."

"Then go straight to it."

They came to the stone, stopped, and climbed down from the cart. Misery ordered the peasant to lift the stone. The peasant lifted it with Misery's... well I doubt England could help you lift a rock so I'm sure you'll manage fine, da? Anyway, under it they saw a ditch filled to the brim with gold.

"Well why do you stare?" Misery huffed, :Hurry up and get it in the cart!"

"Is... is th's fa'ry g'ld?"

"Yes, which is why we need to hurry up, get it, and then bring it back when the story is over before we get them angry! Hurry up!"

"... 'kay."

The peasant set top work and filled the cart with gold. He took everything out of the ditch, down to the last ruble. When he saw that nothing was left, he said, "H've a look M'sery, is there any m'ney left?" Misery leaned over the ditch.

"Where? I can't bloody see anything!"

"B't it's sh'ning there in the c'rner."

"No, I don't see it."

"Cr'wl into the d'tch to see it."

So Misery crawled inside and no sooner had he crawled in that the peasant covered him with the stone!

"What? I didn't know that was going to happen! It's not in this bloody script!"

I like surprises, da?

"WANKER!"

"I th'nk you get out l'ter."

"Well... Hurry then!"

The peasant said, "Th't way will be be'ter. Fer if I t'ke y'u w'th me, M'sery, y'u w'll dr'nk away all th's fort'ne, even tho' it'll t'ke a long t'me."

The peasant came home, stored the money in his cellar, took the oxen back to his neighbour and began to consider how to establish himself in society. He bought wood, built a large wood house for himself and his wife and child and lived twice as richly as his brother.

"Th't's wh't m'w'fe deserves."

"Th-thank you Su-san. Even if it is just a story that's... that's very sweet of you to say..."

"Yay! I claim the biggest bedroom because I'm going to need it when I'm a fully fledged country!"

"... the m'ster b'droom's ours, Seal'nd. Yers is the n'xt largest tho',"

"Aww... well that's okay I guess..."

"W-wait, did you say we're sharing a bedroom?"

After some time, a long time or a short time, the peasant turned rich man went to town to invite his brother to his name day feast.

"Phht, a poor man like you is celebrating his name day? You have nothing to eat!"

"Tru' at one t'me I h'd n'thing, but now I am no w'rse off th'n y'u. Come 'n see."

The next day the rich brother came and saw that the once wretched man now had a large wooden house, new and lofty, such as not every merchant has! The peasant gave him a royal feast, fed him with all kinds of viands, and set various meads and wines before him.

The rich brother asked, "Hey! Tell me how you became so wealthy Sweed!"

The peasant told him how miserable Miser had attached himself to him, how he had left him to drink away all his possessions, down to the last thread, till nothing was left but the soul in his body, how Misery had shown him the treasure in the open field, how he had then taken the treasure and got rid of Misery.

So the rich man said, "I'll go to that field, let Misery out and let him ruin my brother completely, so he won't dare boast his riches to me! HEH!" He rushed to the field, drove to the big stone and turned it to one side. Before he could bed his head to see what was beneath it, Misery jumped out and sat on his shoulders.

"AH! Y-you're heavy for a little island guy!"

"Shut up you wanker, there was a little dwarf in that hole with the worst case of gas I've ever seen a faerie have! I'm not going back down there! I'll never leave you now! MWAH HA HA HA HA!"

"Er, England? Are you feeling okay? Um... listen Misery! In truth it was not me who imprisoned you, it was my bro Sweed and I came to free you!"

"No way wanker, you're lying and I won't let you cheat me again!"

"Yeah, something's wrong with England, Russ!"

Well... he might've really gotten into his part... method actors, da? Anyway, Misery sat securely on the rich man's shoulders and the rich man carried him home. From early morning Miser called on the merchant to drink and much of his wealth went to the tavern keeper. The merchant soon that it was high time he separated himself from Misery, but the question was how?

"Is he like, really, really drunk or something? Are dwarf fumes intoxicating? What gives?"

"TALLEY-HO! ROO ALOO!"

"Roo aloo? And... what the hell, are you wearing a dress or something?"

The merchant went out into his courtyard, cleft two oaken spikes, took a new wheel and drove a spike into the hollow shaft that went through the hub of the wheel. He came to Misery.

"Yo, England, come to the courtyard and play hide and seek."

"YOU'LL NEVER FIND BRITANNIA ANGEL!"

"... yeah, I'm thinking dwarf fumes make you high."

So Misery delighted in the idea and they went to the yard. Mirst the merchant hid and Misery found him at once. Then it was Misery's turn to hide.

"You won't find me, you bloody tart! I can fit into any hole, no matter the size!"

"No way, you can't even get into that wheel, forget the hole."

"I CAN SO YOU WANKER!"

Misery crawled into the hollow shaft-

"Holy shit, did he just shrink himself? Damn, England can use magic after all!"

Not as well as some though, da? Hmm... oh, but he crawled into the hollow shaft. The merchant drove another oaken spike into the other end, picked up the wheel and cast it and Misery into the river, where Misery would drown and the merchant lived again as of old! Now-

"What? Russ, even I'm not sick enough to throw England into a river while he's high. Seriously."

Well, I expect his fairy friends to have save him by now anyway, look for yourself. Just open the shaft like this and... see? No England.

"What? But... how..."

Ah... da, I think England will be fine. Did we all enjoy this story?

"W'll... I m'de a n'ce house so... s're."

"Yeah, my new room is great, there's a world map with me labelled on it!"

"I told Su-san you'd like that."

"Phht, well I guess it wasn't that bad, I didn't totally mess myself up, and I had Sweed work for me and even bow to me, and then serve me a feast!"

"... st'll h'te y'u."

And... oh look, England came back!

"WANKER! Good luck getting my help with your stupid faerie tales again!"

Hmm... well we'll see, da? Anyway, that is another tale finished, are you sure I can't spend time with your cute wife? W-wait a second... is that... w-what is that scratching...

"Did you say... 'wife', big brother?"

B-B-B-B-Belarus...

"You mean we can finally get _married married married married married married married..."_

AAAAAIIIIIIIII! NYET NYET NYET! GO AWAAAAAY!

"... h' r'ns f'st."

"Yes, he does run fast, Su-san."

_((Don't worry, Belarus won't catch him. Anyway, I'm done this story and I can almost assure you that England will help again in the future. Also, I'm letting you know now that, although you can expect these one shot stories for a while, I have the idea for a bit of a plot that will creep in between stories a while later... so... yeah! Have a nice day!))_


	5. The Castle of the Fly

**Russian Fairy Tales with Ivan Braginski 5**

Warning: Mild one sided Russia/Lithuania

**_A Note from the Narrator:_**

Privyet readers! This next story is... well it's very simplistic. But fun, da? I think it is fun. It has a bit of a long list of characters though, so I will not be listing them beforehand today. It should be noted however that these characters in the original tale were of course all Russians, but due to the nature of my actors I will give them different nationalities, da? So enjoy!

OXOXOX

**The Castle of the Fly**

A Latvian fly built a castle. A tall and mighty castle. There came to the castle the Crawling Estonian Louse. Who is back from the dead finally, yay!

"Y-yes sir. Um... W-who, who's in the castle? Who, who's in your house?" said the crawling Estonian louse.

"I-I-I, I the L-languishing Latvian Fly. And wh-who art thou?"

"I-I'm the... the crawling Estonian Louse."

Then came to the castle the Leaping Polish Flea.

"Eeew, I'm like, a flea? Like, what kind of dick casting is that? Whatever... like, who, who's in this tacky castle?" asked the leaping Polish flea.

"I, I the languishing L-Latvian fly."

"And I, the... the crawling Estonian louse. And who 'art though?"

"I'm like, the totally fabulous and poorly cast leaping Polish flea."

Kolkol... Then came to the castle the Mischievous Prussian Mosquito. Aww, you got your bunny ears off!

"Kesesese, I finally got hold of some decent glue solvent. Anyway, I like this costume better. Way more badass. Check out these wings!"

... you look stupid.

"HEY! You picked this costume anyway!"

Beside the point, da? Anyway, your line please.

"Phht, kesese, fine. Who, who's in this awesome castle?"

"I, I, the languishing Latvian fly."

"And I, the crawling Estonian louse."

"And I, the fabulous leaping Polish flea! And who art thou?"

"I'm the awesomely mischievous and also just plain awesome Prussian mosquito!"

Then came to the castle the murmuring Lithuanian mouse. And he looks adorable!

"I-I, er..."

"Like, actually, Liet you look TOTALLY adorable. And like, it has to be true cause I would like, NEVER agree with that fatass if it wasn't!"

"O-oh. Um... th-thank you... I guess... er, so, Who, who's in the castle?"

"I, I the languishing Latvian fly."

"And I, the crawling Estonian louse."

"And I, the fabulous leaping Polish flea, and I totally think you need to wear those ears more often Liet!"

"And I, the totally awesome, mischievous Prussian mosquito! And who art thou?"

"I'm th-the, er, murmuring L-Lithuanian mouse..."

Then came to the castle the Wriggly Hungarian Lizard.

"M-Miss Hungary is doing this too?"

"That's right Latvia! I'm not sure I like being a lizard but I heard that there's been some men feeling each other up during these stories so I wanted in!"

"What the fuck Elizaveta?"

"Shut up Gil."

"Or what? Kesesese..."

"Or this."

"OW! Fucking frying pans..."

"Anyway, who, who's in the castle?"

"I, I the languishing Latvian fly."

"And I, the crawling Estonian louse."

"And I, the fabulous leaping Polish flea!"

"And I, the totally awesome, mischievous Prussian mosquito WHO DOESN'T DESERVE FRYING PANS TO THE FACE!"

"Oh really?"

"O-OW! WHAT THE FUCK?"

"Er... a-and I, the murmuring Lithuanian mouse. And who art thou?"

"I'm the wriggling Hungarian lizard who will squash any mischievous Prussian mosquito that comes within range."

Then came to the castle Tino the Finnish Fox.

"Well, I figured I'd help out some more! So, who, who's in the castle?"

"I, I the languishing fly."

"And I, the crawling Estonian louse."

"And I, the fabulous leaping Polish flea!"

"And I, the totally awesome, mischievous Prussian mosquito!"

"And I, the murmuring Lithuanian mouse..."

"And I, the wriggly Hungarian worm! How's Sweden doing, Finland?"

"Uh, h-he's well, you know..."

"I bet I do... heh heh heh..."

"Y-you did remove the cameras, l-like we asked, right?"

"Oh... sure I did... anyway, who art thou?"

"R-right, so, I am Tino the Finnish Fox."

Then came to the castle Highjump the Danish Hare.

"Hey what's up? Thought you guys could use an awesome big brother around! Who, who's in the castle?"

"I, I the languishing Latvian fly."

"And I, the crawling Estonian louse."

"And I, the fabulous leaping Polish flea!"

"And I, the totally awesome, mischievous Prussian mosquito! And big brothers don't come more awesome than me, just ask West! ... actually, don't ask West, just take my awesome word for it!"

"And I, the murmuring Lithuanian mouse..."

"And I, the wriggly Hungarian worm."

"And I, Tino the Finnish Fox."

"Hey little bro!"

"Denmark-"

"Call me onii-chan!"

"Why... why do you want me to speak to you in Japanese?"

"I dunno, it just sounds cool!"

"Denmark, I don't really see you as a big brother..."

"..."

"Uh, Denmark? I-I'm sorry! I-I think I broke him... D-Denmark? I didn't mean it! Um... o-onii-chan?"

"YAY! Tino called me big brother!"

"C-crushing me... w-who art-"

"Oh yeah, no problem my cute little bro! I'm Highjump the Danish Hare!"

Then came to the caste Greytail the Swedish World.

" 'o's, 'o's in t' c'stle?"

"What?"

"Oh, Su-san asked who's in the castle, Latvia."

"Oh... um, I, I the languishing Latvian fly!"

"And I, the crawling Estonian louse... d-damn he's still scary..."

"S-stop saying that around Su-san Estonia! You'll upset him!"

"S-sorry! I didn't mean anything by it!"

"And I, the fabulous leaping Polish flea!"

"And I, the awesome, mischievous Prussian mosquito!"

"And I, the murmuring Lithuanian mouse."

"And I, the wriggly Hungarian lizard! Nice to see you Sweden, feel free to stand right there next your wife!"

"Ah! Y-you're a bit close Su-san... A-and I'm not his wife!"

"D'd y'u m've t' cam'ras y't?"

"The cameras? Um... of course I have! Mostly..."

"M'stly?"

"Hey, pay attention little bro or I'll make you give me another Swedish massage! Actually, I might make you anyway, my back's killing me lately..."

"N't on yer l'fe."

"Um, Su-san, i-it's my line so... and I, Tino the Finnish fox!"

"Y'u l'k cute in th't fox outf't."

"O-oh, um, th-thank you Su-san... er..."

"OH! Yo Sweed, NEVER would have pinned you for a furry! How does my Highjump the Danish Hare costume work for you?"

"... y'u l'k st'pid."

"Hey!"

"A'yw'y, I'm Gr'yt'il t' Sw'dish W'lf."

Then came to the castle, Thicklegs the Russian Bear! Privyet everyone!

"EEP! M-Mr. Russia, w-why are you s-so... b-b-big..."

Because it is a fairy tale, da?

"Ah but, sir, this is a little strange d-don't you think? I-I'm mean you're... you're... g-g-giant sized..."

Hmm? Silly Estonia, for this story I must be this size for it to work, da? So, "Who, who's in the castle little ones?"

"I-I-I-I, I, th-the l-l-languishing L-Latvian fly..."

"A-and I, th-the crawling E-Estonian l-louse..."

"Um, like, er, a-and I the f-fabulous Polish flea... okay seriously, this is like, even freaking me out! Though seriously, your name is thicklegs? Phht, that like, totally fits a fat ass like you."

"Jesus Russia, er, and I the awesome Prussian mosquito... what the fuck! S-stop looking at me like that! That's it I'm getting out of here- AH! Y-you almost stepped on me!"

Did I? Kolkol, my mistake... but you cannot leave until the story is finish Gilbunny...

"Er, a-and I, the murmuring Lithuanian mouse... I-I really don't like the looks of this..."

"And I, the... the wriggly Hungarian lizard... I don't think I want in on this anymore..."

"A-and I, Tino the Finnish Fox... S-su-san..."

"Hey! If you want comfort, come to your strong big bro, Highjump the Danish Hare!"

"Sh't up. Wh't 're y'u doin' R'ssia?"

"I'm Rumbling Thunder! I'll tumble you under! I am Thicklegs the Russian Bear!" And he laid his thick paw on the castle, like this, and...

"O-oh god!"

"R'n T'no!"

"AH!"

SMASHED IT!

...

Aww, you all ran away!

"W-we d-didn't want to d-die Mr. Russia... um... g-glad to see you back to normal sized..."

Litva, the story is over so I had to return. But this is sad, I wanted to show everyone I was strong by crushing them!

"Th-that is... er... I... I'm sorry?"

It is alright, I have many other stories for now to do that... instead I suppose I will show Litva I am strong by other means, da?

"What? Er... p-please put me down Mr. Russia!"

Let us hurry, da? I really want to start a new story soon, but I'll take care of my cute murmuring mouse first, da?

"N-no! Please Mr. Russia!"

I love you Litva! ... hmm? Oh, Hungary, how long have you been there? With a video camera?

"I never really left. Please, don't let me stop you!"

Da, okay! Oh, do you want to move somewhere with better lighting for you?

"M-Mr. Russia?"

"Yay! Yes, better lighting would be wonderful!"

Then let us have fun then, da Litva?

"Someone shoot me..."

Don't worry, I'm sure Hungary will! With her camera! Anyway, goodbye readers, until next time!

_((Joyful Note: And I'm back, another story added, this one was amusing, and since the next story I plan to do is pretty short too I might have it up today as well. Not for a few hours though. Stay tuned!))_


	6. The Turnip

**Russian Fairy Tales with Ivan Braginski 6**

_**A Note from the Narrator:**_

Privyet readers! This tale... is very short! And actually, it isn't very interesting really... no one becomes maimed or dies and really there is no good lesson learned in my opinion... but I am determined to have my fellow nations and I act out every tale I know. Therefore I will tell this one too, even if it is short and boring! Enjoy it as much as possible, even if it is not all that much.

OXOXOX

**The Turnip**

Grandfather, that is myself, planted a turnip. The time came to pick it. I took hold of the turnip and pulled and pulled, but I couldn't pull it out. So I called grandmother, come here Litva!

"M-me? I-I wondered why I was wearing a d-dress today..."

Yes, help me pull the turnip, da?

"Oh? Oh! Yes, I-I can help with that much..."

So grandfather and grandmother pulled the turnip. They pulled and pulled, but they couldn't pull it out. Then their granddaughter came! Hello Latvia!

"Th-this wig is itchy too..."

Ssh, Latvia, if you must speak, use a cute little girl voice?

"W-what?"

Higher Latvia.

"Er, wh-wh-what?"

HIGHER Latvia!

"EEEEK!"

Da, just like that! Now, the granddaughter pulled grandmother, and grandmother pulled grandfather but... urg... th-the turnip st-still won't come out. Then, the puppy came!

"DAMN IT! Look here you sadist commie, what the hell is with you and putting me into animal costumes? Are you a furry or something?"

But Gilbunny looks so cute with puppy ears! Just look at them! I wanna feel them~

"BACK OFF RUSSIAN!"

Hmph. Well maybe later I'll give you a nice juicy bone to chew on and you'll be happy da?

"NO I WON'T! STOP IT, YOU CREEPY FUCK!"

Oh, so rude! We will fix it later though. For now, the puppy pulled the granddaughter, and the granddaughter pulled grandmother and grandmother pulled grandfather but the t-turnip... ah... still won't budge. So then the beetle came! Hello Sweden!

"Why 'm I a bee'le?"

Because I need five beetles, and I want a set of nations to play them! So, I picked the Nordics! I wanted Yao and his siblings, but I'm still working on getting Japan to consent to my will in this case, so I will use the Nordics until then. And you will help me, as I still have those pictures I mentioned before!

"... wh't d' I h've t' do?"

Oh, I'll tell you! The beetle pulled the puppy, the puppy pulled the granddaughter, the granddaughter pulled grandmother, grandmother pulled grandfather and grandfather pulled and pulled on the turnip but... da, it still won't come out! Then came the second beetle, hello again Denmark!

"Um, I don't think I want to do this anymore..."

Why ever not, Denmark?

"Uh, well last time we almost got killed since you turned giant so... yeah I'd rather not."

But this time you will be perfectly safe! This is a boring story, da?

"Well if it's boring, why the hell would you do it?"

... you get to pull on Sweden...

"Aw HELLS yeah! Let's do it!"

"He di'n't mean l'ke th't! L't go!"

Well, I think it's fine. Anyway, the second beetle pulled the first beetle, and the first beetle pulled the puppy, and the puppy pulled the granddaughter, and the granddaughter pulled grandmother, and grandmother held onto grandfather tightly like that and pulled him... good Litva!

"E-er..."

And grandfather pulled the turnip but it was still stuck! So came... you know what? This is very dull. So I will have the last three beetles come at once! Norway is beetle three, Finland is beetle four and Iceland is... is... that is not Iceland.

"RECOGNISE ME AS A COUNTRY!"

"Sealand? Su-san, you said you left him at home!"

"I tho'ght I did."

Where is Iceland? Does Norway know?

"... he says he wanted to be left out of this..."

Aw! But I had a nice set and... well... fine, it's too late now... stupid piece of metal...

"RACIST!"

Anyway, the fifth beetle pulled the fourth, and the fourth pulled the third and the third pulled the second and the second pulled the first beetle. The first beetle pulled the puppy, the puppy pulled the granddaughter, the granddaughter pulled the grandmother and the grandmother pulled the grandfather and they pulled and pulled and out came the turnip!

The end!

"Wait a second. That's the end? I'm too awesome for this shitty story!"

I cannot help it, I did warn that it was dull... anyway, I have a meeting to go to, so I'm going to leave you alone for now. But I will see you soon! Goodbye readers!

"The hell? Whatever. Hey! The awesome me's going drinking, who's coming!"

"Hey, I'll go! And so will me little bros!"

"I'm n't yer br'ther. C'me on T'no, Seal'and."

"NOT UNTIL YOU RECOGNISE ME AS A COUNTRY!"

"Er, Su-san?"

"... f'ne."

"Holy crap! Kesesese, Sweden, I had no idea you could do the Vulcan Nerve Pinch! Awesome!"

"We're goin' h'me."

"A-alright Su-san..."

"What? Aw, well, don't worry Gil, Norge will come with us!"

"... don't call me that..."

"But Norge, it's a great nickname! All bros have cool nicknames for each other, like how Gil calls his bro 'West', right?"

"Kesesese, yeah! 'West' is the best nickname ever, or else I wouldn't have thought of it! Let's go!"

"... Denmark, let go of me."

"No way bro!"

"U-um, T-Toris?"

"Er, yes Raivis?"

"H-how does Mr. Russia turn this little stage area into a full farmer's field?"

"W-well, er, I'm not sure. I know he'd say it's a fairy tale and we shouldn't question it but... but since I know c-certain Russian tales that end... rather badly... I-I think we ought to find out how this is happening..."

"A-alright, so how are we going to do that?"

"I... I don't know. But I'll think of something. Let's go find Estonia to help."

"Okay! Sounds good!"

Oh, I almost forgot!

"AH! M-Mr. Russia, you're back!"

That's right Litva, I forgot that I need to take you to the meeting with me!

"O-oh, y-you do?"

That's right! Unless you'd rather go to Siberia instead?

"N-no! A meeting's good! A meeting's great actually! L-let's go then!"

Da! Well, once more, goodbye everyone!

_((... well anyway. Now the Baltics have some conviction to find out how and/or why Russia is making strange things happen... half formed plot ideas... why am I writing so late at night... OH! Big news, I finally have my full driver's license! Took the test today. Also, saw the last Harry Potter movie, very awesome.))_


	7. The Hen

**Russian Fairy Tales with Ivan Braginski 7**

Warning: One sided Russia/Canada

_**A Note from the Narrator:**_

Privyet readers! Today's tale has been modified from the original Russian for the purposes of making a more flowing poetic form. After all, this tale is told as a poem, so it is best if we do it this way, da? Though I prefer the original Russian...

Oh yes, another thing, I am not going to use actors today. I wanted to, but unfortunately America threw a party and somehow everyone escaped before I could use them. As you can see we are in the nations meeting room where I had hoped to find some volunteers, but da, everyone is gone.

Ah? Wait a moment, I think there's someone... but I can't quite recall his name...

"Eh?"

I know! You are America's brother, da?

"Er, y-yes I'm Canada..."

Yay! I have an actor now!

"Wh-what?"

You can act, da?

"W-well I have theatre houses, and my Stratford plays are usually good so-"

Good! So you will help me to tell this Russian fairy tale, da?

"Y-you want my help? Well, America forgot to invite me so... I-I suppose it wouldn't be too bad I mean... w-well since you went out of your way to notice me, I'll help!"

Matvey is so helpful! Oh, da that's right, you are Matvey! Silly me, I forgot all about our hockey rivalry for a while!

"... you do usually, eh..."

Anyway, we shall now begin the tale!

OXOXOX

**The Hen**

_In grandmother's yard_

_Lived a speckled hen._

"Eh? W-where did these feathers come from?"

_She laid an egg one day;_

"AH! Th-that felt weird... wh-what? This shouldn't be possible..."

Ah? Did Matvey say something?

"Yes! I said this isn't-"

Good! Now then...

_She laid an egg one day;_

_The egg rolled down_

_From shelf to shelf_

_And in the end it found itself_

_In a little keg of aspen wood_

_Away in a corner and under a bench._

_A mouse-_

"Eek! W-where did the feathers go? My head feels funny... a-are those ears? And... a-a TAIL?"

Da, Matvey, you are my only actor so I need you to play all the parts! But it is okay, you look... surprisingly cute... hmm... why have I not noticed this...

"M-maybe it's because usually when you notice me I'm breaking your nose on the ice, eh?"

Ah? Matvey needs to speak up more, I can barely hear you.

"I SAID-"

And moving on!

_A mouse ran by too near the keg_

_Wiggled his tail, and broke the egg!_

"O-oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean too!"

Matvey is so silly, you are supposed to break the egg for the story to work, da?

"You heard me that time..."

_At this great catastrophe_

_An old cripple began to cry,_

"I do feel a bit like crying, eh? No one notices me unless I'm messing up or doing something stupid... I wonder if this is what Britney Spears feels like... maple..."

_An ugly old crone let out a sigh,_

_A startled chicken rose to fly;_

_The gateposts shrieked,_

_All doors creaked,_

_The swill tub leaked;_

_The priest's daughter,_

_Carrying water,_

_Broke her buckets._

"I-I'm wearing a dress... and pigtails..."

Da! Oh, you do look cute Matvey!

"AH! P-please let go Russia!"

Matvey may call me Ivan, he is just too cute like this!

"I-Ivan! Let go of me for the love of God I-I can't breathe properly!"

You're too quiet Matvey! I can't hear you! Oh well! On with the story!

"Oh... w-well at least you let go... ow..."

_All in a dither_

_She came to her mother_

_And said;_

...

"Said what?"

Oh, da, here Matvey, you will say this in the script, da?

"Oh, a-alright... maple..."

_"Mother, mother, have you heard the news?_

_In grandmother's yard_

_Lived a speckled hen._

_She laid an egg today_

_The egg rolled down from shelf to shelf_

_And in the end it found itself_

_In a little keg of aspen wood_

_Away in a corner under a bench._

_A mouse ran by too near the keg,_

_Wiggled his tail and broke the egg!"_

"Er, this is a long monologue, eh?"

It's not finished Matvey!

"Huh? Oh... next page..."

_"At this great catastrophe_

_An old cripple began to cry_

_An ugly crone let out a sigh_

_A startled chicken rose to fly;"_

"Um, do chickens fly?"

I imagine they may have when this was written, da? Or else perhaps the writer meant to say that the catastrophe was so great that it stirred even a flightless chicken to the air.

"... okay eh..."

_"The gateposts shrieked,_

_All doors creaked,_

_The swill tub leaked;_

_And I, y-your daughter,_

_Carrying water,_

_Broke my buckets."_

"Is that it?"

Da it is, but you were a little flat and quiet on delivery towards the end.

"W-well I've never read it before!"

Aren't Canadians good with improve?

"I-I suppose... w-well er..."

It's alright, you're still cute!

"U-um..."

And now you need another costume change!

"W-well at least this is just an apron I guess... my hair's out of pigtails too."

Da, now you're my wife!

"W-what?"

I've decided to play a role too! But ssh, Matvey. You're good at that, da?

"N-no, what do you mean your wife!"

For the story, da?

"O-oh, well I guess that's okay... w-why are you giggling?"

You'll see Matvey!

"... maple..."

_The wife of the priest_

_Dropped her yeast_

_And her precious dough fell to the floor._

_She headed straight_

_Through the churchyard gate_

_And said,_

"W-wait, I have another monologue? M-maple, I've never spoken so much at once... A-and why is everyone fussing over an egg breaking so much?"

Why does everyone continue to question my stories? IT IS A FAIRY TALE MATVEY!

"I-I... m-maple okay... er..."

_"H-husband, husband, have you heard the news?_

_In grandmother's yard_

_Lives a speckled hen._

_She laid an egg today;_

_The egg rolled down_

_From shelf to shelf_

_And in the end it found itself_

_In a little keg of aspen wood_

_Away in a corner under a bench_

_A mouse ran by too near the keg_

_Wiggled his tail and broke the egg!_

_At this great catastrophe-"_

"It was only an egg, eh..."

Matvey...

"Oh! S-sorry..."

_"At this great catastrophe_

_An old cripple began to cry_

_An ugly crone let out a sigh_

_A startled chicken rose to fly_

_The gateposts shrieked_

_All doors creaked_

_The swill tube leaked_

_Our dear daughter_

_Carrying water_

_Broke her buckets_

_And I, your wife_

_Dropped my dough to the floor."_

"Th-there..."

Matvey looks winded, if you spoke more often that wouldn't happen, da?

"Da... I-I mean yes..."

Ah! Matvey is so cute when he speaks Russian! Oh, but let me finish this poem quickly before I play with you, da?

"P-play with... W-WHAT?"

_The holy father with a terrible look_

"EEP! Th-that face is scary... eh..."

_Tore the pages out of his book_

_And scattered them on the floor._

The end, da?

"I-it was really only an egg... though I guess the buckets and dough were probably important but-"

MATVEY.

"S-sorry, b-but when you say play...w-what do you mean exactly? W-why do you look so menacing?"

You're speaking very softly Matvey...

"Y-you're face is kind close... c-can you m-move back a-a little please?"

But I need to be this close so I can-

"... I... y-you... eep... N-NO THANK YOU IVAN!"

Huh? Matvey? He ran away... very fast... why does everyone run from me? I only needed to be close to hear him, he really speaks too quietly. I suppose we can't play hockey now... that is too bad, da?

"U-um... d-did you say hockey?"

Oh! Matvey, you're still here? Well in the doorway anyway.

"Y-you only wanted to play hockey?"

Da, only hockey!

"Oh well... I guess that's okay then! I love playing hockey!"

Good!

"Yes! I-I'm going to cream you, eh!"

Hmm... creaming sounds good...

"Ah? Ivan, you're grabbing my arm kind of- MMPH! B-but I- mmph! Y-you s-said- S-STOP! YOU SAID WE WERE PLAYING HOCKEY!"

Tonsil hockey, Matvey!

"M-MAAAAAAPLE! A-ah!"

It's good to be noticed, da?

"I-I don't know anymore..."

Well, goodbye readers, I hope to see you soon!

_((... yeah so... I was going to make it just innocently going off to play hockey together... then I thought of tonsil hockey... and well... I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON BUT YOU KNEW THAT. So whatever. RUSCAN AWAY!))_


	8. Riddles

**Russian Fairy Tales With Ivan Braginski 8**

Warning: One sided Russia/Prussia, slight implied past France X Russia, implied future Russia/Prussia/France

_**A Note from the Narrator:**_

Privyet Readers! Now I had a request from a lovely review to use that American pig in my next tale. I would have, but unfortunately he is hanging out with Belarus today for some reason so there is no way I will go anywhere near him for a while! So instead, today Gilbunny and I-

"Nein! I'm not helping you!"

Aw but Gilbunny...

"NEIN! Every time you put me in these damn fairy tales you molest me! Well fuck you, I'm not helping!"

But you like it!

"Nein I do not!"

That's not what little Gilbunny says...

"Y-you... ASSHOLE!"

That's not very nice. And if I don't use you, who will be the peasant to my Tsar?

"What? I don't fucking care, anyone, not me!"

Well... what if... what if you were the tsar to my peasant?

"... you mean I get to be the king of Russia?"

Um... kind of? Da?

"Kesesese... hey wait! This isn't some trick is it?"

Nyet Gilbunny! I will really let you be the tsar in this story! Here's the script!

"Well... eh... kesese... okay well... yeah I guess this is okay... But if you fucking molest me-!"

A peasant cannot molest a tsar, he will have the guards set on him, da?

"... I guess so..."

_Except of course you're not really the tsar so I can molest you anyway_...

"What was that?"

Oh nothing! So you'll do it?

"... ja, okay."

Yay! Then let us begin the next Russian Tale!

OXOXOX

**Riddles**

Children, once near a road I, a peasant, was sowing a field. Just then the tsar rode by, dressed richly, stopped near me, and said:

"Kesesese! Gottspeed little peasant!"

"Thank you, my good man!" said I, not knowing I spoke to the tsar.

"Kesese, do you earn much profit from this field?" asked the tsar.

"If the harvest is good, I may make eighty rubles!"

"What do you do with this money, peasant?"

"Twenty rubes go for taxes, twenty go for debts, twenty I give in loans and twenty I throw out the window, good sir!" I replied with a happy smile.

"Ne? What debts do you need to pay, who do you loan money to and why throw money out the window?"

So I explained, "Supporting my father is paying a debt, feeding my son is giving a loan and feeding my daughter is throwing it out the window, da?"

"You have kids? And who's your Vati? You mean Winter? That freak?"

Kolkol... I am playing a part Gilbunny... and nyet, he is NOT my father, why does everyone assume that?

"I dunno, cause we can? Anyway, uh..."

Next line perhaps?

"Right! Uh, You speak the truth!" The tsar gave me a handful of silver coins, disclosed that he was the tsar, and forbade me to tell these things to anyone outside of his presence. "Yeah! Don't answer no matter who asks! Kesesese!"

The tsar returned to his capital and summoned his boyars and generals.

"Bonjour mon ami!"

"Hola, amigo!"

"Kesesese... you guys are my generals? Figured as much!"

"Mon cher, how could we not be?"

"Ne... well it's kinda weird you'd help Russia with his play I guess."

"Hmm... the part... appealed to me, ne pas?"

"And if both of you are here, I am here too amigo!"

"Uh... appealed to you? I guess the clothes are kind of nice... Ja... that's fine I guess. Anyway! Solve this riddle, on my way I saw a peasant who was sowing a field! I asked him what profit he earned from it and what he did with his money. He said with a good harvest he made eighty rubles, of which twenty went in taxes, twenty in debts, twenty in loans and twenty he threw out the window. To him who tells me what he meant by saying this, I will give great rewards and great honours!"

"Bon chance Antonio... but I already know what to do!"

"You do? Already?"

"Oui! It's in the script, non?"

"Ah... si I see."

The boyars and generals thought but could not solve the riddle on their one. One boyar hit upon the idea of going to me, the peasant of whom the tsar spoke. He gave me a pile of silver coins and asked:

"Cher, s'il vous plait tell me the answer to the tsar's riddle?"

I cast a glance at the money, took it, and explained everything to the boyar who returned to the tsar and repeated the riddle's solution.

"What? Francis, you fucking cheated!"

"Non! It is not cheating if it's in the script!"

"Damn it! Someone get Russia in here right now! The fuck is this!"

"Mon ami, did you not read the whole script?"

"I... kinda skimmed the last bit..."

"Ah, oui, typical Prussia..."

"HEY! What's THAT supposed to mean?"

I appeared before the tsar... privyet Gilbunny! Oh, right, must stay in character, da? Anyway, I appeared before him and at once I admitted that I had told the boyar everything!

"Really? Kesese, fine! Then you must be ordered to death and it's your own fault! Finally!"

"Ah but your majesty, I am not guilty of any offense because I told everything to the boyar in your presence!" As I said this I drew from my pocket a silver ruble with the tsar's likeness on it and showed it to the tsar.

"Hey, that's totally my face!"

"Da! And so I spoke within your presence!"

"Kesesese, no way! That's not going to work!"

Ah... but Gilbunny... you're supposed to say that I am right and generously reward me, da?

"Fuck that! You know what I meant and did whatever the fuck you wanted anyway, so you get to die! GUARDS!"

Wh-what? But Gilbunny-!

"NEIN! KESESESE! How does it feel to get hit with your own fairy tale logic?"

... but this is just a story da?

"Ne? Where'd the guards go?"

Silly Gilbunny, I am the narrator too!

"Oh... oh shit..."

So I can control the story!

"Oh shit."

And the people in it.

"Oh shit oh shit STAY BACK DAMN IT!"

Nyet! Gilbunny must be soundly punished for ruining the story da?

"AWAY FROMT HE TSAR!"

Not anymore! You're just my little Gilbunny again!

"NEIN! LET GO! AAAAH!"

Oh silly Gilbunny, you've been handcuffed before! I'll only whip you a dozen or so times, then I'll make it better by playing with you... you like that, da?

"NEIN I DO NOT! HELP! FRANCIS, ANTONIO! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS?"

Hmm... well actually Spain went to see Romano and Francis is upstairs waiting to play with you as well. But that will have to wait, I wasn't expecting a rebellion like this. Oh well, you will know not to ruin my plays in the future da?

"W-wait... Francis... France is WILLINGLY going to do this... with you there?"

Well there was a time when Francis and I were rather close, da? I spent a lot of time trying to be like him.

"... You know, actually, that explains a lot..."

Anyway, punishment time! Goodbye readers, until we meet again!

_((Joyful Note: Yeah... couldn't see America in this one. Maybe the next one. I swear, the next good opening I see for him he's getting in this thing, trust me! But yeah... this was a short one and it took a while to get myself to sit down and finish it. The next one is much longer... I can probably get America into it somewhere... so never fear!_

_Damn I like Russia/Prussia too much. Sorry about that. And sorry about Spain not doing much. Or Francis for that matter. They're all return though, I love them too much not to bring them into something where I can actually use them properly.))_


	9. The Enchanted Ring

**Russian Fairy Tales with Ivan Braginski 9**

Warning: You know what? Let's just assume Russia loves fucking everyone and no one really wants to fuck with Russia with varying degrees of aversion. Yay. Also... some strange one-sided Greece/Latvia. IT WILL MAKE SENSE I SWEAR. Some implied at least one-sided Prussia/Canada, and some implied GerIta if you squint.

_**A Note from the Narrator:**_

Privyet readers! It is always good to hear declarations of love for me and promises to become one in my comments! (as long as none are from Natalya...) After this story I expect many more but I must give fair warning that this is the longest fairy tale I've yet told you. I hope you will press through to the end though, because it's quite as good as the others and I'll try to keep things... interesting, da? Da!

Now obviously since this is a long story there are many, many characters involved! I will play the main role this time since it is such a long story and I don't trust others to remember so much dialogue. The other more noticeable roles include the peasant's mother who will be played by my big sister Ukraine and referred to as my sister, my lovely dog Estonia, my adorable cat Latvia, the king of a far off kingdom with a lovely princess... I think I have someone in mind, da? I think it will work out with my bribery... kolkol...

I hope you enjoy the tale, and with that, let us begin!

OXOXOX

**The Enchanted Ring**

In a certain land, in a certain big village, there lived a peasant who was neither poor nor rich. He had a son, myself, and bequeathed to me three hundred rubles to be given to me when I came of age. When I grew up and came to the age of reason I said to my older sister,

"I remember, sister, that my deceased father gave me his blessing with three hundred rubles, now give me at least one hundred of them."

"Of course, Vanya! Though, I hope afterwards you might rub my shoulders as my back really hurts today."

Of course Katyusha! Oh, but... da, so my sister gave me one hundred rubles and I took them to the road. There I met a Finnish peasant leading a flap eared dog.

"I have been reduced to dog ears. In front of Finland."

"Um, Eduard? Are you feeling alright? If it's any consolation, I think the puppy ears look cute! They remind me of Hanatamago! We should create a festival where everyone dresses like dogs!"

"Oh, er, th-thank you Tino but I think there's already a festival like that and it's kind of... er..."

I went to the peasant and said, "Peasant, peasant! Sell me that cute doggie!"

"Oh, Russia! Er, sorry Eduard, the story you know? Um... peasant! Give me a hundred rubles for him!"

So I gave him my hundred rubles for the dog and led him home and gave him food and drink. It's good, da?

"Er, vodka and piroshky? Well it's... i-it's quite good, obviously! W-why wouldn't it be M-Mr. Russia, sir?"

Always saying the right thing, da Estonia? Not as cute as my other Baltics but the most willing...

"Er, y-yes sir..."

Anyway! I went to my sister and asked for another hundred rubles of my inheritance and took it to the road. I met a Lithuanian peasant and this time he led a cat with golden fur.

"Y-you're s-so lucky Toris, you've only got a tiny part today... and no ears or... or tails..."

"W-well yes, b-but the cat's not a bad role so you should p-probably be fine."

"I-I hope so..."

I went to the peasant and said, "Sell me that cat!"

"O-oh! Mr. Russia, er, give me one hundred rubles and you may have him!"

"Da, here you are!" I handed him my one hundred rubles and led my cat home with me. But I will see my Litva later, da?

"E-er... y-yes sir..."

So I took my cat into my arms-

"EEUH! I-I can walk though..."

But I like to carry my little Latvia, da? Anyway, so I took my kitty home and gave him food and drink. Then I again asked my sister for one hundred rubles.

My sister said to me, "My dear brother, what do you spend the money on? Your purchases are useless! O-oh dear, I'm so sorry, they're very cute but-"

Nyet, Katyusha, that's just what you're supposed to say! "Ah, sister, do not worry about the money! Somehow it will come back to us." So she gave me the last hundred and I took it to the road like the other two. Really sister, it's alright! Don't cry about this, you're doing fine! Oh... well I guess I just have to go but it's really fine...

In a certain land, in a certain city, a princess died and on her hand was a golden ring. I wanted badly to get this ring from her finger and so bribed the sentries to let me come near the princess' bier. I came quite close to her and took the ring off her finger and went home to my sister. No one had stopped me.

I lived at home for some time, and then one day I went out on the porch and moved the ring from one hand to the other. At this, three hundred strong men and a hundred and seventy knights jumped out of the ring! By coincidence, all the strong men looked like Germany and the knights looked like my Gilbunny!

"Ah, bruder, this... w-why am I suddenly... a lot... what... WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? SCHEISSE!"

"Damn it Russia! The world only has room for ONE awesome Prussia and that's ME! Kesese... well I guess it's kind of cool that we all talk together in one LOUD voice but... STILL! WHAT THE HELL RUSSIA!"

Yay! Lots of Gilbunnies! And your brother is actually rather cute too... not as cute as you but...

"STAY AWAY FROM MEIN LITTLE BRUDER WEST! ... WESTS! WHATEVER!"

"How did I become a part of this anyway..."

Um... I _might_ have used a little... um... it is a fairy tale and strange things happen, da? Anyway, here are your scripts, so you know what to do!

"Er... ja... bruder, maybe if we just do this we can go home faster..."

"DAMN IT RUSSIA YOU BETTER NOT MOLEST MEIN BRUDER OR I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!"

Gilbunny, I'm not even going to molest _you_ today. It's very selfish of you to assume as much! I have many others that need attention from Mother Russia, I cannot be everywhere at once as you are, da?

"Y-you fucking bastard..."

Anyway~ Say your lines, da?

"... fine. Um... Okay, what work do you order us to do?"

I smiled and said, "This is what I order you to do. First, knock down my old hut and on the same spot build a stone house. Let my sister know nothing about it."

"Er, Herr Russia, it's not as though we couldn't do that but it would take a long time..."

"West, seriously, there's like, a thousand of us-"

"Actually there's three hundred of me and one hundred and seventy of you. Scheisse... well at least I'm not outnumbered."

"Whatever! The point is we'll be done that in fucking no time, let's do it and go home!"

"Er, and bruder, what was that about molesting...?"

"NOTHING! NOTHING AT ALL! FORGET IT!"

"But-"

"NEIN!"

So the task was completed in one night and the strong men and knights vanished back into my ring. My sister arose and asked, surprised, "Good morning brother! Oh! Whose house is this?"

And I answered, "Sister, be not surprised, but pray to God. This house is ours." And so we lived in it for some time until I came fully into manhood and wished to take a wife.

In a certain kingdom in a certain land, a certain capitalist pig king had a twin sister who I wanted very must to marry.

So I said to my sister, "In such and such a kingdom, the pig king has a beautiful twin sister. Woo him for me, my sister."

My sister said to me, "But Vanya, how can such as we get a princess?"

I answered her, "Sister, my good sister! Pray to the Savoir, drink kvass, and go to bed. The morning is wiser than the evening."

So as she went to bed I went to the porch. I moved the ring from one hand to the other and three hundred strong men and one hundred and seventy knights jumped out, privyet again!

"Damn it! I thought it was over! Fucking Russian!"

That is not very nice Gilbunny!

"Er, I've been meaning to ask even though I'll probably regret it, but why do you keep calling him 'Gilbunny'?"

"DON'T ASK THAT!"

Because when he lived with me I liked having him wear cute bunny ears, da?

"Er... well that's... that's not so bad..."

And also he had the sex drive of a rabbit!

"DEAR GOTT DON'T TELL HIM THAT!"

Oh sure, at first it was non-consensual, but after he got around the idea that it was _me_ doing it he couldn't get enough! Even today he keeps showing up now and then and-

"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP I DON'T FUCKING DO THAT!"

Well, da it's true it's normally when you're very drunk you appear to me, but you still appear Gilbunny...

"DON'T CALL ME THAT! THERE'S 170 OF ME AND I'LL FUCKING KICK YOUR ASS!"

"..."

Ah? Germany, you look rather pale? You are alright, da? Anyway... "Find for me things so precious that the king does not have them, and bring them to me on golden trays. I must give presents to the king and his sister."

"LIKE HELL I'M DOING SHIT FOR YOU AFTER THAT! WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU TELL ME BRUDER THAT?"

He asked, da?

"B-bruder let's just... let's just do what he asked... ja?"

"West? I-I... I can explain this! Really!"

"Please... don't... I don't want to know. Let's just do this."

"I-I... uh... y-yeah... fucking Russia..."

So they straightway brought me such things and I sent my sister to the king to make the match for me. She came to the king and he said with surprise, "Yo, Ukraine! Dude, your knockers look bigger than ever!"

KOLKOLKOLKOLKOL...

"O-oh, Vanya dear, I-I don't really mind, America is just this way, yes?"

"You know it! Hey Russia, you're still paying me in burgers right?"

KOLKOL- er... d-da, I am, though I still don't know how you can stand those disgusting things... anyway those aren't your lines!

"Dude, your lines are boring! Let me write the script, it'll be WAY cooler!"

Nyet, you will not be re-writing my Russian tales! Just read the script!

"Phht, whatever... fine! Yo, woman! Where did you get these awesome things? I especially like the bowling trophies! For some reason I can never win my own, they don't let me into bowling alleys after I break all the pins with my ball..."

"Er... yes well..."

Then, the princess came out to look at the items and... oh! Matvey, you look so beautiful, da?

"W-what? Oh... um... the dress is very... poofy... and pink..."

Da! So beautiful!

"PHHT! Oh god, Mattie what the FUCK are you wearing?"

"Sh-shut up Al..."

"Oh, Matvey, you look adorable!"

"Oh, K-Kat? I do? U-um, w-well..."

Oh, da, the story. Well the princess looked at the items and said, "S-said? Oh right! Well, w-woman, tell your brother to build in one night in the king's sacred meadow a new palace more splendid than my brother's own, and to hang a crystal bridge from one palace to the other, and to cover the crystal bridge with all kinds of embroidered rugs. If he does all this I will m-marry him. If he does not, there will be... oh... oh dear... er... there will be no pardon for him and he must lay his rash head on the block! Er... th-that's a bit extreme though..."

Matvey, you are too cute when you worry about me! But it is a fairy tale, I will succeed and we will get married and become one, da?

"Waaaaaaait a minute, you're trying to marry Mattie? Oh HELL naw! Over my dead body! I'll nuke you first!"

But it is a fairy tale, America. I won't be marrying him for real, unless he wants to of course, and you are not his master, da?

"Sure I am!"

"W-what? You're not my master, eh!"

My sister returned home to me in tears and said, "My beloved brother! I told you not to s-seek the princess in marriage! Now she has ordered me to tell you that if you want to marry her, you must build a new palace in the sacred meadow in one night, more splendid than her brother's own with a crystal bridge covered in embroidered rugs connecting the two, and if you fail you must lay your head on the block! What are you going to do, my brother?"

I smiled and answered, "Sister, my sister! Have you no misgivings, pray to the Savoir, drink kvass, and go to bed. The morning is wiser than the evening."

And so I went to the porch, moved the ring from one hand to the other and three hundred strong German men and one hundred and seventy Teutonic Knights jumped out and asked,

"What... what do you order us to do this time, damn Russian..."

"My dear friends, try in one night to build me a new palace in the king's sacred meadow and let it be more splendid than the king's own, and let a crystal bridge hang between one palace and the other, and let this bridge be covered with all kinds of embroidered rugs."

"Damn Russia! How the fucking hell are we supposed to do that, even with Four hundred and seventy of us? Extreme Make-Over Home Edition has more than that and it still takes them a week! I know they're just humans but fucking STILL!"

"Bruder, I thought I told you to stop watching American reality shows..."

"Aw, but West, that show's awesome! Hell, even YOU might like it, I'll show you it sometime!"

Uh... anyway, in one night it was done, see, da?

"Damn... alright, I don't know how, but we fucking did it. Kesese... I'm even more awesome than I thought! Hey, what do you need this palace for anyway?"

To marry my Matvey, da?

"Oh that... that... wait. Wait a fucking minute. Matvey as in... Mattie? As in... AS IN BIRDIE? WHAT THE FUCK, YOU'RE FUCKING MARRYING BIRDIE? I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU!"

"B-bruder, calm down, he probably just means the story, you know if he did that America would kill him..."

"YEAH BUT THAT WON'T STOP HIM FROM FUCKING MOLESTING THE KID! DON'T YOU EVEN DARE!"

But I already have two stories ago, da?

"You..."

Hmm?

"I..."

"B-bruder?"

Gilbunny?

"You..."

Er...

"I... I... YOU'RE GOING TO DIE! FACE THE WRATH AND FURY OF ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY TEUTONIC KNIGHTS COMING FOR YOUR HIDE! I'M GOING TO STRING YOU UP BY YOUR GUTS AND PLAY FUCKING PINATA!"

And back in the ring we all go then, da?

"FUCKING HE-"

Da, back in the ring. Now then. In the morning the king rose, looked at his sacred meadow through a spyglass and sent a messenger to tell me that I could come to woo the princess and that the princess had agreed to marry me, da?

"What? Like hell I'm going to let you NEAR Mattie!"

Hmm... hey America, I heard that McDonalds is going to switch to an all tofu menu.

"... w-wait, what?"

Da! It's happening very soon, you should probably go and stockpile as many McBurgers as possible before they become scarce!

"HOLY SHIT I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'D DO THAT! IT'S UNAMERICAN! I'M GOING TO PUT A STOP TO THIS!"

Ah... well whatever, da? Matvey, your brother is gone! And you will be my wife, da?

"... maple..."

So the wedding was celebrated, and a great feast was held for us. I am so happy for us Matvey! We lived together for some time, getting... acquainted... da? And finally the princess asked me how I accomplished such great feats in a single night.

"R-Russia you... I-I..."

Matvey, you look rather pale, da? Is this about becoming one with me?

"I-I... I don't think... th-that didn't help me get into character at all, eh!"

But it was fun, da?

"I c-can't believe I let you do that..."

But you did let me, da? It wasn't really non-consensual then!

"I-I said no!"

But you moaned when you said it!

"Th-that doesn't change anything! A-Al is gonna-"

Does your brother fight your battles for you? Anyway, you liked it! I thought I was very gentle, da?

"W-well I guess... I guess you kind of... c-can we just continue with the fairy tale now?"

Da. You're the one who started going off track, but I will forgive you because you are just so cute!

"R-right... maple..."

And during the third round I don't think anyone's ever ridden me so well!

"AH! S-stop! Er... P-please tell me how you accomplished such feats in a single night! From now on we shall think together!" The princess flattered me and exhorted me and fed me all kinds of liquors, though I only drank the vodka really. It is good da? And when I was dead drunk, which took a long time, I told her what she wanted to know.

"I did it with this ring, da?"

The princess took the ring from me, moved it from one hand to the other, and out jumped three hundred strong German men and one hundred and seventy Teutonic Knights.

"BIRDIE! Thank gott! Are you okay? You're okay, ja? He didn't hurt you, did he?"

"G-Gilbert? H-hurt? Oh, y-you mean... um... w-well 'hurt' is such a strong term..."

"Did he fucking molest you? I'll kill that bastard!"

"B-bruder, could you calm down a bit? I'm sure that Russia didn't do anything to... to er... this young man. I'm sorry, who are you?"

"Uh... I'm Canada, eh..."

"DID HE FUCKING MOLEST YOU?"

Da! Matvey became one with me!

"..."

"Uh, G-Gilbert?"

"Er, bruder?"

Gilbunny?

"..."

"I-I think he's broken... eh... Um, G-Gilbert, I'm okay, r-really so..."

"I'm telling America."

Ah? Gilbunny, that's a bit extreme don't you think, this tale is going in a happy direction for you now anyway! Matvey, tell him what the princess will order him to do, da?

"P-please don't tell Al, Gil, he'll be more overprotective than ever, eh! Er, but the princess commands you to throw this... er... th-this drunkard... um... into my brother's sacred field! Then carry me and the whole palace beyond the tenth kingdom to such and such a king."

"... damn Birdie that's far."

"Well, er, bruder, you know we can do it so..."

"Ja, ja. DON'T TOUCH BIRDIE AGAIN YOU MOTHERFUCKER!"

Hmm... not very nice Gilbunny. Anyway~ in one night the men had carried her where she bade them. In the morning the king arose. He looked through his spyglass and in his sacred meadow saw no palace or Crystal Bridge and instead only a man, myself, lying there. The king sent forth messengers saying, "Yo! Find out who the dude lying there is! He looks sooo wasted!"

The messenger answered, "Bloody Hell I'm NOT Alfred's messenger!"

It's a small role, da? You said you would do just a small role!

"Yeah Artie! What's wrong with serving the Hero?"

"You're not the bloody Hero, you wanker! Just... just... fine. Ahem. Your... your majesty... wanker... it is your son in law, lying there alone."

"WHAT? Go bring that asshole to me!" I was brought to the king and he asked me, "What did you do with Mattie and that sweet palace? I was going to turn it into a McDonald's so we can save the hamburgers!"

I answered, "Your majesty-"

"DAMN RIGHT I'M YOUR MAJESTY!"

... kolkol... "I do not know; it was as though I lost her while I was asleep."

The king said, "I'll give you three months time to discover where Mattie is. If you can't, I'm nuking your asshole!"

... is that an innuendo?"

"Huh? I- NO!"

Alright, just checking, da? Anyway... then I was locked in a strong dungeon. Which is weird, because it is very hard to find a princess while locked in a dungeon, but since it is part of the tale I'm sure it was necessary, da? Da!

It was then, at my old home, that my good cat told my good doggie: "I-Imagine it! O-our master is in prison. The p-princess deceived him, took the ring off his finger, and went away beyond the tenth kingdom! We must get that ring; let's run together!"

Latvia is getting very good at acting, da? These roles are good for him!

"Oh! Um, th-thank you sir!"

So the two ran, whenever they had to cross a lake or river the cat sat on the neck of the dog-

"Oof, er, y-you're kind of heavy for a small nation..."

"Oh, s-sorry Eduard..."

After some time, they ran beyond thrice nine lands, beyond the tenth kingdom. The cat said to the dog: "If someone from the king's k-kitchen sends for wood, run at once. I will go to the p-pantry, to the housekeeper; whatever she wants I will serve!"

And so they began to serve in the king's palace. The housekeeper said to the king:

"Like, in my pantry there's like, a cat with a totally golden tail that serves whatever I want! And like, Russia, you're lucky this housekeeper uniform is cute I'd like, kick your ass for dragging me into this story again."

The cook said, "Aiyah, again? Fine-aru. I have a flap eared dog that fetches the wood when I send the boy out for it-aru."

The king answered, "... bring me... the cat..."

Ah, Greece, you're supposed to have the dog and princess Matvey takes the cat, da?

"... but... I want the cat..."

Da, but-

"I like cats..."

Um... well technically it's just Latvia dressed as a cat so...

"Doesn't matter... I like cats..."

Well I suppose I haven't really figured out how to threaten you so... I guess we can work with this. Just give me a moment and... da, the script is re-written! Here, Matvey!

"Eh? Oh... um, and bring me the flap eared dog."

Da! So the cat and dog were brought and stayed in the palace night and day waiting to take back the ring. But when she slept, the princess put the ring in her mouth!

"What? But if I do that I might choke!"

Just do it, da Matvey? Kolkol.

"Er... okay..."

One night a mouse ran across the princess' chamber and the dog snatched him up by the neck.

"HEY! LET ME GO! AND RECOGNISE ME AS A NATION!"

Wha- Sealand again? How did you get in here?

"Peter?"

"Uncle Eduard?"

Uncle?

"Um, I babysit him for Sweden and Finland sometimes."

I see...

"Anyway! I will prove I'm a real nation by getting that ring from that guy in the bed!" So the dog let the mouse go, and he jumped on the bed, straight on the princess. He stuck his tail into her mouth and wiggled it. The princess spat and spat out the ring!

"EUGH! MAPLE WHAT WAS THAT?"

I've never heard you so loud Matvey!

So the dog called to the cat to hurry and they escaped! Or... um...

"E-Eduard, y-you might have to go without me..."

"Er... I see..."

"... your fur is soft..."

"I-it's just hair! P-please stop petting me, a-and cuddling me, it's so weird!"

"But... soft... and cute..."

"U-um..."

Well... it's not really important that you both go. So hurry back to me my doggie Estonia!

The dog jumped out the window and ran. He ran over land and swam across lakes and river, arriving in his kingdom and ran straight to the prison. I was so pleased to see him I pet him repeatedly-

"N-not th-there, please sir! Y-you're married in this story, r-remember?"

Hmm? I'm not sure what that has to do with anything but... anyway! The dog slipped the ring onto my hand. I moved it from one hand to the other and three hundred strong German men and one hundred and seventy Teutonic Knights leapt out.

"ASSHOLE YOU RAPED BIRDIE!"

Ah, that...

"What do you order us to do?"

"WEST! Don't encourage this fucking rapist!"

"Bruder, Italy just called asking for help, I need to finish this quickly."

"He probably just can't tie his damn shoelaces again!"

"... still though."

"FUCKING HELL WEST! Just fuck that kid and be done with it already!"

"D-don't say such-"

"FUCKING HELL WEST WE ALL KNOW YOU WANT TO!"

Ah, I guess I will say my lines, da? "To ease my grief, I want magnificent music played for a whole day." Music began to... play... is that a German polka?

"Kesese, yeah. STILL DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT YOU'RE A FUCKING RAPIST."

The pig king sent a messenger to him to ask whether he had considered the matter. The messenger went to another messenger and they all became absorbed in listening to the music. And... and getting drunk?

"No one says sober for a German polka! Kesese! RAPIST!"

To be fair, I didn't hear him protest-

"HE'S QUIET! I KNOW HE DIDN'T WANT IT YOU BASTARD!"

Anyway, finally the king himself went down to me, his son-in-law. The king, too, was bewitched by the music. And... and soon became drunk. Apparently.

The king then questioned me, and I answered, "Your majesty, free me for one night and in a trice I will get your daughter."

I went on the porch and moved the ring from one hand to the other, summoning my men to me.

"WHAT THE FUCK, AGAIN?"

Last time, I promise Gilbunny!

"QUIT CALLING ME THAT!"

Hmm... Gilbunny, are you jealous that I fucked Matvey instead of you?

"THE FUCK? NEIN!"

Then... are you jealous that Matvey fucked me instead of you?

"I- what? Er, n-nein!"

Hmm...

"Anyway, what did you want us to do then, fucking Russian!"

"Ja, hurry up, Italy hasn't called in a while and that's not a good sign..."

Da, da... "Bring back the princess, with the entire palace, and let everything be back in its place and done in one night." Then you can both go home, da?

"NOT WITHOUT BIRDIE!"

Hmm...

When my dear princess awoke in the old place she was frightened as she did not know what would now happen to her. I took her before her brother and asked, "What will her punishment be, your majesty?"

"Nnrg... head huuuuuurts... stupid German beer and polka..."

"A-Al? Are you hung over?"

Da, he is!

"Waaaa... light huuurts... um... just do whatever, live and be happy I don't caaaare..."

Yay! Your brother gave us his blessing, da?

"EH? A-Alfred! What are you saying!"

But Matvey... it really was only a story. And it is over now, THE END, da?

"Huh? Oh... oh, r-right. I-I knew that! But... but y-you still... W-WHAT WAS THAT WEDDING NIGHT ABOUT?"

Ah, I like Matvey very much, da?

"I, um, r-really?"

Da! I would very much like to spend another night with you then, just for fun, is that okay?

"Er..."

If Matvey agrees, it won't be rape at all, da?

"I-I... w-well I... well I guess it wasn't that bad and... and I guess it was nice being noticed for once by someone other than my brother and Gilbert..."

Oh, speaking of Gilbunny, he'll be joining us too!

"Eh?"

A threesome with Gilbunny is fine, da? He's tied and gagged in my bedroom right now!

"WHAT? W-when did you do that?"

Gilbunny will enjoy himself more if you were there too, da?

"Y-you, I-I... WHAT?"

Let's have fun Matvey!

"I-I guess I... er... w-well I... o-okay but- AH! P-please put me down eh!"

We'll have so much fun, Matvey!

"M-MAPLE!"

_MEANWHILE IN GREECE..._

"I-I'm really not a cat Mr. Greece..."

"But... you're fluffy..."

"U-um... the ears and tail comes off..."

"... put those back on or get out of my house."

"A-ah! M-Mr. Greece looks scary! I'm going! I-I guess the cuddling wasn't too bad though..."

**THE END**

_((Joyful Note: Rawr. I'm a perverted bitch. What else is new. Every chapter is worse than the one before. WHY AM I SO DEPRAVED I DON'T EVEN KNOW. Anywho, sorry for the wait, I was busy moving into RESIDENCE AT UNIVERSITY OMG and frosh week was super busy. But now I'm settled and here's your next story! PERVERTED AS HELL! AND RUSSIA IS A RAPIST BUT I LOVE HIM ANYWAY WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME I DON'T EVEN. Woo. G'night folks.))_


	10. Foma and Erema, The Two Brothers

**Russian Fairy Tales with Ivan Braginski 10**

Warning: Some implied RussiaXPrussiaXCanada because who doesn't love that nonsense. Also some SpainXRomano implied... and some implied beginnings of some one-sided RussiaXRomano I think...

_**A Note from the Narrator:**_

Privyet readers! I deeply apologize for my long absence, unfortunately it took longer than I expected to track down and enlist the two I had in mind for this next story! But they've finally agreed, as long as they may go home when they are done!

Honestly I don't know why they were so reluctant, it is not even a bad pair of roles, da? I hope my other actors have not been spreading nasty rumours about my lovely fairy tales... kolkol...

Anyway, this story is a poem about two brothers played here by the Italy brothers! I'm so excited! Maybe we can all be friends when this is finished, da? I'm sure they will love to play with me in the future... anyway, enjoy the story, I am glad to be back!

XOXOXO

**Foma and Erema, the Two Brothers**

"Damn it, I can't believe this! Stupid vodka bastard... least I'm not in some weird outfit like that one friend of yours was warning us about..."

"Feliks? Si, he said that we should stay away from Russia ve~ he is scary, but, I'm not too worried since he told us we were just being in a play, that won't be so bad, fratello!"

"Speak for yourself, idiota! "

Oh, so it was Poland that warned you? I will have to pay him a visit later... kolkolkol...

"AH! SCARY VOICE FROM THE SKY!"

"I-I think that's a speaker system... maybe... where the f-fuck are we anyway, v-vodka bastard?"

In my fairy tale of course, silly Italies! Now then, I will make things easy and use your own names instead of Foma and Erema, but for the purpose of this, Foma is Feliciano and Erema is Lovino!

"N-No one said you could use our human names, bastard!"

"Ve~ Okay Russia! You can count on us!"

"What the hell _fratello_!"

Now then!

Oh Feli and Lovi, two brothers they were

Alike in body, alike in mind

"Phht, alike in mind? You've got to be kidding me! I'm way smarter than that noodle eating_ idiota_!"

"Ve~"

Alike their noses, their eyes their hair-

Oh, two such brothers you'll seldom find.

"Damn it, I guess we kind of hair the same hair... I... I'm not sure about the eyes though..."

"But _fratello_, you've seen my eyes before!"

"No I haven't! Well, a long time ago maybe but I don't remember!"

"Oh, well then..."

"AH! CLOSE THEM! CLOSE THEM!"

"Ve~ but why _fratello_?"

"It's too weird... I mean they did look like mine but... damn just keep them closed, that was too freaky for me..."

Ah, da, that was a bit strange? But his eyes were cute!

"Thank you, Russia!"

"Whatever... are we doing anything in this story other than standing here?"

Da, da, I'm just getting to that!

One day the two went to church to pray,

One in a pew, the other at the altar.

Lovino took hymnal, Feli took psalter;

Lovino recited and Feli prayed

And this was heard by priests who stayed

On hilltops, learned priests devout

Who came to church and kicked them out,

"DAMN! WHAT THE HELL? I didn't even sing that bad damn it!"

"Ve~ You sang beautifully fratello! I think it's just part of the story!"

"Um, d-don't worry, we won't kick you out too hard eh, right Gil?"

"Kesese, sorry kids, the rapist hooked me up with Mattie last story so he thinks we owe him one. But you gotta admit, I totally work in this priest outfit! Don't I, Birdie?"

"Um, sure Gil..."

"ALBINO POTATO DON'T TOUCH ME!"

"Nope, no choice! Take it Ruski!"

Kolkol... you both look good in priest robes da... uh... but da, I will continue!

One out the window and one out the door

"YOU COULD'VE OPENED THE WINDOW FIRST! DAMN IT!"

"Kesesese..."

"Th-that was mean Gil, I just pushed North Italy outside..."

"Ve~~"

"SHUT UP IDIOT!"

"Ouch! That hurt, Lovi!"

Aw, that wasn't nice Romano! You made your brother cry, da?"

"Well fuck my brother, I WAS THROWN THROUGH A WINDOW! I HAVE GLASS IN MY SKIN! I THINK I SHOULD BE THE ONE CRYING!"

Anyway...

And they hastened away forevermore.

"So the story's over then? Thank God, let's book it Feli!"

"Si! Let's run!"

Nope, the story's still going, you won't get far!

"The hell is with all these trees? Where the fuck are we? WHY THE HELL IS RUSSIA'S HOUSE SO DAMN BIG?"

They went to the woods where later they met

And there they decided gray rabbits to get

"Yay! Bunnies!"

Gray rabbits, fast runners, to hunt and to kill,

"AH! I don't want to hurt the bunnies, Lovi!"

But none could they find in hollow or hill.

"Oh good! Hide little bunnies!"

"Idiot... shouldn't care about killing rabbits... er... they are c-cute though so... n-never mind!"

Hmm, Romano looks cute when he blushes! Only don't worry, I know better than to do anything, Spain would likely try to kill me! Only it's not as if he's actually a threat to me...

"H-hey, quick looking at me like that vodka-breath! And... and why can I see you now anyway?"

I decided to come visit! Hello!"

"Hello Russia!"

"Quit waving, idiot!"

Instead they went to the river banks steep,

To river banks steep where waters ran deep.

"Well, at least the water is nice..."

"Hey look fratello! Cute little duckies! Hello ducks!"

Two ducks a-swimming they saw down below,

Lovino took stick and Feli grasped knife,

"What? A knife? Am I going to cut pasta?"

Each was longing to take a duck's life.

"WHAT? I DON'T WANT TO KILL THE DUCKIES!"

"Idiot! Aren't you hungry? I mean I understand the rabbits but the ducks... the ducks are... kind of... cute too..."

Da, you're very cute when you go red! Just like-"

"IF YOU SAY TOMATO I'M STABBING YOU WITH THE STICK!"

Hmm, well coincidentally I was going to say like my enemies when I stab them in the face, but tomatoes work too! Oh, you've gone very pale suddenly...

"J-just... k-keep talking... then..."

"Ve~ um, Russia is scaring me fratello..."

But Feli threw far and Lovino too near

And the ducks swam away, swam away from there.

"Swim duckies! SWIM! Ve~"

The brothers then thought to catch some fish

To catch some fish was now their wish.

"At least that's fucking reasonable."

"Si! Fish aren't cute, and they taste good! Grandpa Rome really liked them ve~!"

Oh, Lovino sat in a deep-bottomed boat,

But the boat had no floor and would not float.

"AH! W-what the hell! Damn, I'm soaked and... GET ME OUT OF THE WATER IDIOT!"

"C-coming fratello! I've got you!"

And Feli did sit him down in a barge

That had no bottom but was very large.

"AH! Your boat has no bottom either! What the hell IDIOT!"

"Huh, that is really weird ve~!"

Three years they sank but could not drown;

Three devils in vain tried to pull them down.

"HEY! I was already a priest! Why do I have to come back for this?"

Because when they mention three devils, who else can I think of?

"AAAAAIIIII! IT'S FRANCE!"

"Big Brother Spain! And Big Brother France! Ciao!"

"Bonjour Italy! Bonjour Romano! You're looking very cute today!"

"Hola Feliciano! And Lovino!"

"Always second... WH-WHAT'RE YOU DOING TOMATO BASTARD? STOP PULLING ME DOWN! Wait... how're we breathing underwater anyway?"

"Kesese, well, uh, at this point I'm guessing Russia's using some kind of weird magic, but I don't know if it's on purpose or not..."

Silly Prussia! It is a fairy tale! And you can all three let go now!

"HE SAID LET GO TOMATO BASTARD!"

"Aw, but my Lovi is so cute! I have to snuggle him so he knows!"

But the story says you must let go so...

"AH! QUIT PULLING ME! I-I'M GOING TO RIP IN TWO!"

"Don't tug on my Lovi!"

"Ve~, um, Big Brother Spain? We will both visit you very soon, so for now we should finish Russia's story, okay?"

"Feliciano? Oh, well, si, okay I'll let go."

Spasibo, Italy!

"AH! R-Russia... um..."

Romano is so red faced! Anyway...

"Ve~ where did France, Spain and Prussia go?"

Away for now, there isn't much story left, da?

The brothers now wished their bodies to feed,

To feed their bodies was now their need.

"Ve~ I am hungry..."

"M-me too... idiot... kind of sudden though..."

They made up their minds to plow their fields

To take whatever the good earth yields.

"Yay! I'm going to plant PASTA! And Lovi can plant tomatoes for the sauce!"

"You don't plant pasta! Uh... do you?"

To market went Feli, Lovino to fair,

A foal and a colt the brothers bought there.

"Wait! What happened to planting tomatoes, bastard?"

"Oh, but the ponies are so cute! I should call Poland, he loves little horses!"

Lovino's colt refused to work

"Heh, a horse after my own heart I guess."

And Feli's foal his tasks did shirk

"Um, come on little foal, what if I gave you pasta? Oh... you don't like pasta? But... but..."

The brother's then slew their horses they say,

And ran from the fields, oh, quickly away!

"CAN DO THAT! LET'S GET OUT OF HERE AND THAT CRAZY RUSSIAN!"

"Fratello, what does 'slew' mean?"

Hmm, well off they run... don't worry though, they will be back! That Romano is... interesting... so I will definitely invite him back! But for now I have the entire bad touch trio waiting in the wings, so I will go and enjoy their company before I make Spain turn against me forever! Gilbunny is always more willing with his friends, but I'm not sure why. Oh well! I am now back, so expect more from me very soon! Do svidaniya little ones! I make you all one with me soon!


	11. The Just Reward

**Russian Fairy Tales with Ivan Braginski 11**

Warning: Hrm... guess maybe there isn't one today other than some violent actions... pity really... although I suppose I should warn that at the end of this tale there will be a brief change in style, you'll know it when you see it. Believe me when I say such footers will not be in all the stories to follow, but in the overall might become important. We will see, won't we? Oh! And just a tad bit of implied RussiaXEngland. Because I can.

_**A Note from the Narrator:**_

Privyet readers! I am back very soon this time as I felt that I left you all alone far too long before! Do not worry, I am sure after hearing a few more of my tales, even the last hold outs will wish to be one with me, da? Da! So in this next tale, I will be playing the lead of a simple private in the king's militia, England has agreed to return and be the king once he insisted I tell him the full contents of this tale and of course the officer on guard could be no other than my dear comrade America!

I know that a few readers might have an inkling of how things may turn out here, but I personally love this tale very much as it shows the true wit the Russian peoples may possess. It is quite wonderful! So with that, enjoy this next tale!

XOXOXO

**The Just Reward**

The English king of a certain country lost his ring while on a drive through his capital. He at once placed a notice in the newspapers, promising that whoever might find and return the ring would receive a large reward of money. I, a simple private, was lucky enough to find it.

"But now I do not know what to do, da?" I said, "If I report this at the regimental headquarters, it will be referred to my superiors, and each in his turn from the sergeant to the company commander and all the commanders after him, and then to the colonel, and then to the brigadier general. There will never be an end to it, da? Instead I shall go straight to the king!"

And so I crossed the land and came to the palace. The American pig officer on guard asked me: "Yo dude, so NOT a pig! And what the hell do you want in Artie's palace for anyway?"

I sighed, "I have found the king's ring, da?"

"HA HA HA! That's great! I will totally announce you broski, but only if you promise to split the reward with me fifty-fifty!"

So I thought to myself, that for once in my life I have had a piece of luck and now I had to share it! But I said to the officer, "Very well, I agree, but give to me a note stating that half the reward is for you, and half for me."

"Sure bro, no prob!"

Kolkol... anyway~ The officer gave to me the note and announced me to the king. The king praised me for having found the ring.

"Ah yes, my lines... Thank you, brave soldier! I shall give you two thousand pounds as a reward!"

Ah, that is rubles, we are in Russia, da?

"Well you say a certain country, but you said I was an English king! Where else would I be ruling?"

Well that was just to help distinguish... ah, well, it is not important, da? So I said to the king, "No, Your Royal Majesty! That is not a soldier's reward. A soldier's reward is two hundred lashes!"

"What? Are you mad? Very well, BRING IN THE STICKS!"

I began to undress, and as I unbuttoned my tunic the note from the officer dropped to the floor.

"What the bloody hell... what paper is that?"

"Your Majesty, that is a note stating that only half the reward is for me, and that the other half must go to the officer on guard!"

The King laughed... ah, da, just like that. That's... that's a rather dark laugh... um... but he called in the officer on guard.

"GIVE HIM ONE HUNDRED LASHES!"

"Wh-what? Artie! Iggy, c-come on have a heart Art- AH! GOD! OW! FUCK!"

The order was carried out and when it was time to count the last ten lashes I drew near to the king, uh, who was looking unusually gleeful, and said: "Your Majesty, since he is so greedy, I will give the other half of the reward to him too."

The king laughed... still very dark... though I suppose it is a rather funny sight with the pig twitching like that! And he said to me, "How kind you are! GIVE HIM THE SECOND HUNDRED LASHES!"

After this the officer could hardly crawl home...

"Yo... not... fucking... cool... bro... Imma gonna nuke your ass... fuuuuuck..."

Are you sure that is not an innuendo? Because it certainly sounds like one!

"Damn... fuck... I'm g-going home now but... I'll be back... gaaaaah need burgers..."

"THAT'S RIGHT! LEAVE! SERVES YOU RIGHT YOU LITTLE TROLLOP! Oh that felt good. He'll be fine of course, but damn it he needs a good spanking that little..."

Da I quite agree but we have a story to finish. Now then, as for me the king gave to me an honorable discharge from the service and presented me with three thousand rubles.

"Pounds!"

These are _Russian_ fairy tales, da? Anyway, the end!

"Well whatever. Now if you have more parts for me like _that_ I can see helping you in the future!"

Hmm... I'm sure we can work something out, da? That is all for now readers! Until next time, I cannot wait until all become one with Mother Russia!

XOXOXO

* * *

><p>As Russia and England entered into a new partnership agreement that may or may not have involved alcohol and a wild night of reckless abandon, many kilometers away in Lithuania's house the three Baltics, and Prussia for some reason, were gathered in their host country's kitchen and partaking in tea, , and a heated game of four-way battleship. It is possible to play, if a bit complicated if you're trying to keep track of where your opponents boats are via the upper portion of your own board, and the Baltics would never have agreed to this if Prussia had not barged into their small reunion uninvited and insisted that it would be 'awesome'.<p>

In any case, while Latvia whimpered of only having the single, two hit ship remaining, Estonia was doing well with three boats left, if one was quickly failing, Lithuania had two still standing with one slowly sinking and Prussia was busily moving his boats when no one was looking to cheat his way to victory, the four were also engaged in a rather serious conversation.

"Fuck Russia though, seriously, D4 Toris," Gilbert said. Lithuania sighed.

"Hit."

"Sunk yet?"

"Not yet."

"Damn it, it's the five hit one?" Gilbert sighed, "Anyway, fuck Russia. Seriously, we are NOT in the Soviet Union anymore, we can't let him get away with all this fairy tale crap! I don't even know how the fuck he's doing it, but even when I say no to being in his damn little 'plays' I still end up appearing there in fucking animal ears or... or something! And even THAT wouldn't be so bad if he didn't keep... well you know!"

Estonia sighed, "I don't like it either, I've already died once thanks to this fairy tale thing, but given as we don't know how he's managing this we may have to wait until he's finished."

Lithuania groaned softly, "And seeing as he mentioned that he's doing another tale today, there's still 567 to go."

"WHAT? UNAWESOME! Your turn Raivis."

"O-oh, me?" Latvia jumped, "Um, Eduard, K10?"

"Oh, hit," Estonia frowned and added a peg to his submarine, "Well without a better plan, we will simply have to wait until he's done. Hopefully he'll spread them out amongst other nations so no one is bothered overly much."

Prussia huffed. "He's already bothered me too much! You know I've already been in at least half of these, it's fucking annoying! I've got things to do you know!"

"Which of course is why you burst in here and made us play battleship with you," Estonia said with a smirk. Prussia grumbled in response.

"Not the point! Toris, go!"

"Oh, Raivis, B4?"

"Before what?" Latvia looked confused, then realised, "OH! Oh... hit..." Latvia looked a bit miserable as he put a red peg into his last ship. "Um, but isn't there a way to figure out how Mr. Russia is doing these things?"

Lithuania bit his lip a moment. "Well... you see about that... I went to Natalya the other day to ask her what she thought-"

"Christ! Is that why your arm's in a sling?" Prussia interrupted.

"Oh, right, that, I'd forgotten!" Lithuania laughed, "She was so cute! But she accidently slammed my arm in the door, weird huh? Anyway, she yelled at me that Russia was likely using magic! Which might make sense, I know he likes cursing people, but I've never heard of him using magic like this before."

Estonia frowned. "Even if that were possible, we can't very well fight against magic. Perhaps he's using some kind of new technology...?"

"Russia and new technology? Phht..." Prussia rolled his eyes. The Baltics shared a nervous laugh and instinctively looked over their shoulders in fear that the Russian was somehow listening to them.

"Well whatever the case," Estonia said as he whipped off his glasses to clean them. "We can't fight him off, so we'll wait until he's done. We've suffered through this before."

Latvia fidgeted in his seat, "Um, well, Peter said-"

"Who's Peter?" Prussia snorted.

Latvia coughed nervously, "S-Sealand is, um, yeah well, he once told me that England can... can do magic so... maybe... maybe he could help... aaah but he's scary! I don't know what to do!"

Prussia shook his head. "No way, that guy doesn't like me! He won't help! Anyway, didn't Russia use him in his fairy tales before now?"

Lithuania looked interested. "Maybe he doesn't realise how bad it is for us? I think we should try asking for his help anyway."

Estonia slipped his glasses back onto his nose. "It might help, it wouldn't hurt to ask."

"I guess," Prussia muttered, "Unless Russia convinced him to make some kind of unholy alliance or partnership or whatever."

"I-I'm sure that hasn't happened!" Latvia said, though he looked fearful, "So... so let's do it!"

"Sure, but after the game! Eduard!" Prussia turned to Estonia.

"Oh, Latvia, B5," Estonia said simply.

"Sunk... I'm out..." Latvia said glumly and refilled his tea cup. He wondered if he'd ever win any of these weird games Prussia came up with.

By the end of the game, Estonia had realised that Prussia did not seem to have boats anywhere on the board and was likely cheating, but decided not to mention it in hopes that when Prussia won he would leave. Sadly he did not and insisted he wanted to keep his winning streak going so it was only after three more of these obviously cheated games that the group finally left to try and find favour with England. Of course, the man was not home instead being in a hotel room somewhere in Russia. America was at England's house however booby-trapping all of England's doors so they would dump bacon grease all over whoever entered. Latvia got the worst of that. It seemed the group would have to return another day and endure Russia's recent interest in his old fairy tales in the meantime...

_((Joyful Note: So... these extra drabble-y bits of the Baltics and Prussia trying to stop Russia's fairy tale antics will not be in every chapter, but I may use them when the story ends up shorter than expected. I hope it was enjoyable enough. Though I would like feedback from anyone who believes that our shivering heroes should stop Russia's antics at any point, since if ever these fairy tales start getting repetitive and boring or I lose motivation to write them the Baltics will be my get-out-of-jail-free card and I can have them end this madness at any time based on feedback from you guys. When it's time to end it, I'll know because I will have 10 signed reviews on a single chapter telling me so. If that should ever occur, the next chapter will mark the end. I consider this the best way of making me stop this nonsense before it all becomes unbearable. And just because you got two updates in two days does not mean this is the new norm. It isn't, the next tale is kind of longer and make take a while longer to finish. And I have things to do. But I'll keep posting this, of course. It's fun.))_


	12. Salt

**Russian Fairy Tales with Ivan Braginski 12**

Warning: One sided (?) Russia X China, one sided South Korea X China. I should also warn that I'm working with characters here I never have before who don't have much personality... though I did check their Wikipedia entries... I think they're good enough. When there wasn't much to go on with Wikipedia, in Hetalia spirit I googled up some traditional stereotypes for the land and used some of those (okay really just did that for India). So... yeah... hope that's fine...

_**A Note from the Narrator:**_

Privyet readers! This is another of my longer fairy tales, and just to prove I listen to all of your wonderful suggestions I have heard a request for more Asians in my fairy tales. It is a good thought, da? So using all my powers of persuasion and bribery, I have summoned together an entire Asian cast! Some were more difficult than others, but I hope this appeases the one who requested! You will become one now, da?

Anyway, this particular story will have myself playing the lead as usual, as by coincidence the lead role is also named Ivan! Though of course I am no fool, as he is made to be. I should point out that although Taiwan is the merchant in this piece, in the original version the merchant was male. However, I was busily using all the Asian men I could find filling other roles and she... well I decided not to use her as the one female role. That's alright; I got my Yao-Yao to do it instead! Also, the eldest son of Fyodor will be played by South Korea, the middle son Vasily will be played by Hong Kong... who I don't know the name of so I'll just call him that... same with Taiwan actually... and a few others... it is not that important I suppose. Anyway, again, I hope this appeases the request! Enjoy the story, da?

XOXOXO

**Salt**

In a certain city there lived a Taiwanese merchant woman who had three sons. The first was Yong-Soo, the second Hong Kong, and the third was I, Ivan the Fool. This merchant, my mother, lived richly; she sailed in her ships to foreign lands and traded all kinds of goods.

"Well, yes, of course I live richly! Er, th-this won't take very long will it?"

Nyet, well, longer than usual but not that long. Why, do you have somewhere you need to be, Taiwan?

"Well no... I just think I should know if it's going to take long! That's all. Um..."

What?

"Well, er... it's just... China told me to stay away from you."

Oh, silly Yao-Yao is overreacting! Anyway, he has a part in this later, he won't be mad at you!

"Hrm, well... alright. Okay! I can do this!"

Ah, da, then-

"ANIKI IS HERE? WHERE IS HE? TELL ME, DA-ZEE!"

You are very loud, da? Yao-Yao will be coming later, you will see him then... did you not read the script?

"I don't need one! Russian Fairy Tales originated in Korea, da-zee!"

Um... nyet, they did not.

"Did too, da-zee!"

... whatever. Does Hong Kong wish to interrupt as well?

"No."

Um... good. Alright, now we shall continue!

Once the merchant loaded two ships with precious merchandise and sent them beyond the sea with her two elder sons. I, her youngest son, always went to inns and alehouses, and for that reason my mother did not trust me with any business; but when I learned that my brothers had been sent beyond the sea I went to my mother and begged her to allow me to show myself in foreign lands, see people and earn money by my wits.

For a long time my mother refused, saying: "... oh that's me! Um... right! You'll spend everything on drink and come home without your head! However, I see you persist and so I will give you a ship." She then gave to me a ship with the very cheapest cargo- beams, boards and planks.

I made myself ready for the voyage, lifted anchor, and soon I overtook my brothers. We sailed together on the sea for three days, but on the fourth strong winds arose and blew my ship to a remote and unknown island. I told my crew to make for shore. When I stepped out onto the island, I told my crew to wait for me and started walking along a path. I walked and walked until I reached a very high mountain. It was very tiring, da?

I saw that in this mountain there was neither sand nor stone but instead pure Russian salt. I returned to the shore and ordered my sailors to throw all the beams and planks into the water and load the ship with salt. As soon as this was done, I lifted anchor and sailed away.

After some time, a long time or a short time, and after we had sailed some distance, a great distance or a short one, my ship approached a large and wealthy city, sailed into its harbour, and cast anchor. I went into the city to make obeisance to the king of the country and obtain his permission to trade freely, and I took a bundle of my merchandise, Russian salt, to show to the king. My arrival was immediately reported to the sovereign, an Indian man, who summoned me.

The Indian king said, "Hello merchant! Watch out for the sacred cows!"

Ah, that is not your line... oh! It is a cow! How odd...

"Not really, we have them on the roads pretty regularly, even beaches sometimes, they do hold up traffic, but I still love them!"

Well I suppose that's... fine... da? But for now, let's continue the fairy tale, like I am paying you for?

"Right, right, no problem. So... speak! What is your business, what do you want?"

"Just this, your Majesty!" I said, "Permit me to trade freely in your city!"

"Oh, and what goods do you intend to sell here? Perhaps you will sell a variety of goods in some kind of store where you may charge exuberant prices, which we will pay in order to laugh at your funny accent?"

I believe it is America who uses that stereotype for you, not me.

"I don't care! I hate it that whenever I visit him he makes me say 'Thank you, come again'. Who does that?"

Um... well it _is_ America... if it is any consolation; I had him whipped in the last fairy tale.

"Yeah? Great! Oh, right, what goods to you sell?"

"Russian salt, your Majesty," I replied. Now the king had never heard of salt-

"What? Yes I have!"

Um, but in the story you have not so...

"OH, oh right, right, go on then!"

The king had never heard of salt-

"Though obviously I don't need to use that much salt, there's so many better spices to use!"

... right. So the king had never heard of salt-

"Like ginger! And cumin! And turmeric! All can be used in curries!"

Please just let me finish my sentence! The king had never heard of salt, in his kingdom people ate without salt! He wondered what this new and unknown merchandise might be. He asked me to show him the salt and so I opened my bundle and the king glanced at the contents and thought it only to be white sand.

He said to me with a smile, "Brother, this can be had here without money!" And so I left the palace feeling very downcast, and, um, avoided the cows... Then it occurred to me to go to the king's kitchen and see how the cooks prepared meals there and what kind of salt they used, I went in to the kitchen and asked to be allowed to rest for a while. I watched the cooks running back forth, one boiling, one roasting, and one pouring. I saw that they were not in the least concerned with salting the food. I waited until a moment came when everyone else was out of the kitchen and seized the chance to pour the proper amount of salt into all the stews and sauces. The time came to serve the dinner and the first dish was brought in. The king ate of it, and found it savory as never before. The second dish was served and he liked it even better.

"No I don't! It's bland, I'm adding ginger..."

Nyet! You must at least pretend to like it, or the story won't work...

"Phht, fine..."

So the king summoned his cooks and said to them: "Yes, yes okay. I have been king for many years, but never before have you cooked me such savory dishes. How did you do it?"

The cooks answered that they cooked as they always had and did not add anything new, but mentioned that I, the merchant who had asked permission to trade freely, had been sitting in the kitchen and perhaps had added something. And so I was brought before the king to be questioned. I fell on my knees and asked forgiveness.

"Your Majesty, I confess my guilt. I have seasoned all the dishes and sauces with Russian salt. Such is the custom in my country."

"It's custom in your country to break into people's kitchens and season their food?"

Um... da?

"Right. Sure. Okay, and tell me, for how much do you sell this salt?"

I realized that my business was in a fair way and I answered, "It is not very dear, for two measures of salt, one measure of silver and one of gold."

"Very well, I will buy the whole cargo. I guess. Don't know when I'm going to use it all..."

Salt does not go bad; surely you will use some, India.

"I guess. Maybe I'll give it to England. He can't use spices worth a damn so maybe he can pretend his food has flavour if he uses enough salt."

Actually, that is not a bad idea.

"I know. I am highly educated after all. Good luck with the rest of this fairy tale thing."

Spasibo. Now then. I filled my ship with silver and gold and sat down to wait for a favourable wind. It so happened that the Indian king had a Chinese daughter, a beautiful princess called Yao!

"NO-ARU! I WANT NO MORE PART IN THIS!"

Why, Yao-Yao? You look so pretty in that yellow dress...

"I AM NOT A WOMAN-ARU! I have enough trouble convincing people of that without problems like this..."

Now the princess wanted to see the Russian ship and asked her father's permission to go down to the port. She took her nurses, governesses and maidservants with her and drove forth to see my ship.

"DO NOT IGNORE ME-ARU!"

You are so loud today, and I am not ignoring my lovely Yao-Yao! I showed the princess every part of the ship and told her its name, the sails, the rigging, the bow and the stern. Then I led her into the cabin. I ordered my crew to cut away the anchor, hoist the sails, and put out to the sea. Since there was a good tailwind, we were soon out to a good distance from the city. When the princess came up on deck and saw only sea around her, she began to weep. Um, that means you cry, Yao-Yao!

"I'm not a woman-aru! Wh-why does everyone say that..."

Da, like that!

"SH-SHUT UP-ARU! Anyway, this is kidnap!"

Da, but I comforted the princess and urged her to dry her tears. Since I was handsome, she soon smiled and ceased grieving. So it is fine!

"NO IT'S NOT! A-and who says you are handsome-aru? I can do better!"

That's mean Yao-Yao...

"And stop saying my name like that-aru!"

But Yao-Yao, it's cute! Like you!

"I'm NOT cute-aru! I am handsome, like a man-aru!"

Ah... but this is a play! I needed someone to be the princess-

"WHY COULDN'T TAIWAN DO IT-ARU?"

Hmm, well I would have thought you wouldn't want Taiwan to play my love interest...

"Taiwan as your... aiyah... fine. You are... handsome-aru. How far have I fallen..."

Spasibo Yao-Yao! Now then, for some time, a long time or a short time, I sailed on the sea with the lovely princess. Then my elder brothers overtook me, learned of my audacity and good fortune and greatly envied me.

"ANIKI! DA-ZEE!"

"AIYAH! Get off me-aru!

"YOUR BREASTS BELONG TO ME!"

Nyet! Yao-Yao's breasts belong to me!

"MY BREASTS BELONG TO NO ONE-ARU! Ah! I mean- I DON'T HAVE BREASTS!"

Anyway~ my brothers came aboard my ship, seized me by my arms- da like that! Uh... oh... fine... and they um... they threw me overbo- OOOARD!

"DA-ZEE!"

"Ah, A- ARE YOU ALRIGHT-ARU?"

Um... I'm fine... wet... but I can tread water. Now then, um, the brothers cast lots between them and divided the booty. The eldest brother took the princess-

"I-I get Aniki da-zee?"

"No... NO NO NO NO NO-ARU!"

"ANIKI!"

"GET OFF! OH GOD GET HIM OFF-ARU!"

"DA ZEE!"

And the second brother took the ship full of silver and gold, da?

"If you say so."

Da, I do! Now it happened that when they flung me from the sjip I saw one of the boards that I myself had thrown into the sea! A nice coincidence, da? So I clutched this board and for a long time drifted on it above the depths of the sea. Finally I was carried to an unknown island. I went ashore and walked along the beach. I there met a giant with an enormous mustache, on which was hung her mittens, which she was drying thus after the rain!

"... I'm a girl."

Da, Vietnam!

"You promised to send me Diablo III free if charge if I did this."

Da, I did, it's being mailed to your house as we speak!

"You did NOT mention I'd be wearing a mustache. Also, why are you tiny?"

Well actually, you're just rather big, due to the nature of being a giant and all.

"I'm assuming the giant was supposed to be a male, huh?"

Well, technically yes. I was going to enlist Japan to do that, but when I went to his house I could not find him! I did however get several poison darts and shuriken stars thrown at my head from an unknown source. I then decided to see if you would do it instead, da?

"... whatever, as long as I'm paid well."

As I said, the game is on the way. So, you will say your line then?

"Yeah, yeah... What do you want here on my island?" I told her everything that had happened. "If you so desire, I will carry you home. Tomorrow your eldest brother is to marry the princess. Sit on my back."

She took me up in her hands, set me on her back and ran across the sea. She brought me to my native land, put me on the ground, and said: "Now promise that you will not boast to anyone about having ridden on my back. Seriously. Ever. If you do, I will crush you. With my paddle. It's right here, and I can wield it better than a Wii remote."

That is actually quite scary... um... but... "Thank you, giant! I shall not boast." I then set out on the homeward journey. When I arrived, everyone was already at the wedding table, preparing to go to the church. As soon as the beautiful princess saw me, she jumped from her seat and threw herself on my neck. ACK! Aaah like th-that but s-sort of ch-choking! CHOKING!

"GET ME AWAY FROM HIM-ARU! HE KEEPS TOUCHING- I-I AM HIS BROTHER! SAVE ME-ARU!"

"ANIKI! WE ARE GETTING MARRIED DA ZEE!"

I feel as though I can sympathise with this situation... and that makes me feel like shuddering... ahem. Right, so, the merchant said: "... Oh! My line! Um, What is this? I was told my youngest son was dead! ... Um, China, am I in trouble for helping Russia with this?"

"Ah... no-aru, Russia is... is... difficult to refuse apparently..."

Da!

"Quit snuggling me-aru!"

Anyway~ I told my merchant mother everything, how I had traded in salt, how I had carried off the princess, how my elder brothers had pushed me into the sea. My mother was very angry at my elder brothers and drove them out of the house-

"AH! DA ZEE! QUIT CHASING ME! HOW ARE YOU SO SCARY? ANIKI I WILL BE BACK FOR YOU!"

"P-please don't-aru!"

"There's no need to chase, I'm going..."

"G-good! Right, so um, is the story over yet, Russia?"

Not quite, we're getting there. Now then, the merchant having driven out the treacherous brothers then married myself to the princess.

"W-what? I am NOT marrying you-aru!"

Silly Yao-Yao, it won't be legally binding! Unless you want it to be, da? Because if you ever want to become one, you need only say the word!

"I DO NOT WANT TO BE ONE-ARU!"

Da, well, if these marriages in fairy tales were binding I would be a polygamist. But I am not. So anyway, we two were married and a gay feast began. The guests got drunk and began to boast, some about their strength, some about their wealth, and some about the beauty of their young wives. Though none were more beautiful than Yao-Yao!

"I AM HANDSOME-ARU!"

Da! But I sat and sat and drank and drank and... *hic* drank, and then I _BOASTED_! "What are your boasts worth? **I **have something real to boast about! I rode horseback on a Vietnamese giant across the entire sea!"

The moment I said these words, the giant appeared at the gate.

"V-Vietnam-aru? What is the mustache..."

"DON'T say anything. YOU! RUSSIA! I _TOLD_ YOU _**NOT**_ TO SAY THAT! Now what have you done?"

"Forgive me!" I said, "It was not I who boasted, but my drunkenness!"

"Oh really? Well show me then! What do you mean by drunkenness?"

"A-are you serious-aru?"

Shh Yao-Yao! Now then, I gave orders that a hundred gallon barrel of wine and a hundred gallon barrel of beer be brought. The Vietnamese giant drank the wine and the beer and-

"WHERE IS AMERICA? I'M GOING TO FUCK HIM UP!"

Um...

"IN HALO!"

Oh!

"HE WILL CRY MY NAME IN AGONY!"

Uh...

"AS I TEABAG HIM! I'LL SHOW HIM WHO'S FUCKING AWESOME!"

Well... um... so the giant got drunk and began to break up and ruin everything in her path. She knocked down trees and bushes and tore big houses asunder and also managed to beat America in both Halo and Call of Duty online so hard that he went crying to his president about it. He was told to suck it up. Finally the giant fell down and slept for three days and nights without awakening. During this time I obviously consummated my relationship with my wife so...

"AH! NO-ARU! I-I don't want-"

Are you sure?

"TAIWAN IS RIGHT THERE-ARU!"

"Um, well, you see, I think if I film this Elizaveta would probably pay a lot for it and... well..."

"Damn it-aru... How does she corrupt every female nation in the world?"

I... do not know, da? She has not corrupted my sisters to my knowledge... perhaps it would be better if she did... er... anyway, at least we are not related Yao-Yao!

"EEEEEP-ARU!"

And so after those three days where I loved my princess very much; and of course she enjoyed herself in the end.

"..."

You're so red Yao-Yao! Cute~ Though Matvey might've been a little cuter...

"N-not... cute... aru... wait! Who the hell is 'Matvey'?"

Yao-Yao is jealous! Yay! Oh, hush for now; I will be with you in a moment. So the giant finally awoke and was shown all the damage she had done. The giant was terribly surprised-

"Damn right I'm surprised! I should've beaten America so hard he went crying to his mommy..."

Well, England has been a bit busy lately. He is making plans for my next fairy tale, da?

"Oh."

Anyway, she was surprised and said: "Oh, right okay. Well, Ivan, son of the merchant, now I know what drunkenness is. Henceforth you may boast about me all you like. Only don't. Because I seriously will paddle you. And it will be way less sexy then you probably think."

I, um, I didn't really think it would be sexy. Perhaps I should try it on Yao-Yao to see!

"NO! VIETNAM, WHY WOULD YOU GIVE HIM IDEAS-ARU?"

"I don't know. I'm going to go play Diablo III. It better be good."

I hope so too... um... da. I'm off to play with my princess, so until next time I hope my readers will stay wonderful and I will get around to becoming one with you all eventually! All will be one with Mother Russia!

"L-LET GO-ARU! Let... oh... fine..."

Yay! Yao-Yao gave in! See my readers later! Do svidaniya!

_((Joyful Note: Yes... I used some minor Hetalia characters that I had to figure out how to perform as. I'm good with Vietnam. I think she worked out well. I liked Taiwan okay... not much to work other than the fact she's supposed to be stubborn and nervous and views China as a teacher. I guess I did that... India I'm good with I guess... but Hong Kong... well... there wasn't much chance for him to do much in this... but if anything I hope I hit my Asian quota. Odds are I won't have Taiwan, Hong Kong or India in future stories but I think I like my Vietnam. She may return. We shall see.))_


	13. The Golden Slipper

**Russian Fairy Tales with Ivan Braginski 13**

Warning: VERY one sided Belarus/Russia, Sweden X Finland, and maybe, just a little, one sided Lithuania/Belarus.

_**A Note from the Narrator:**_ Ah, right. Good day to all of Russia's readers! Well, as you can see I am not Russia; I am Arthur Kirkland, otherwise known as the country of The United Kingdom or simply England. You are probably wondering why I am narrating this particular tale. Well, according to Russia his sister Belarus discovered he was casting other nations in his native fairy tales and so demanded a role. She is starring in this tale, hence why Russia is absent. He asked that I carry on in his stead and after certain... certain events that I... ahem, well, let's just say I am doing Russia a favour that I am not being blackmailed into at all! Anyway, as one of the few countries who can actually see fairies I am likely far more suited to telling fairy tales than he is anyway! So... so there!

Er... with that out of the way, let's all sit ourselves down and enjoy a good fairy tale. Oh, Flying Mint Bunny! Are you here to join us? ... That's wonderful! ... Oh, really? When? ... Hmm, well I will be returning home soon after this. ... Oh! ... Oh you're too funny Uni! Yes, yes of course! Well, with that settled, let's enjoy this next tale, shall we?

XOXOXO

**The Golden Slipper**

Well then, once upon a time an old man and his old wife-

"I-I'M NOT BERWALD'S WIFE! Really I-"

_**YOU BLOODY WELL ARE TODAY!**_

"Eeeeep, um, does... does England seem strangely... scarier than Russia? Berwald?"

"Hrm, a bit, I s'pose."

Now then, if that's settled we shall continue. Now this old man and his wife had two daughters, Katyusha and Natalya.

"Where is big brother?"

Oh, Belarus! Well it seems that your brother had to step out for this particular tale so I'm filling in for him.

"WHAT?"

Er, well, if it's any consolation, your brother said he fully believes you will not let him down and will perform your role to the best of your ability.

"Obviously I'll do _that._ Big Brother asked me to. I would do anything for big brother. Then he will finally _**marry me**_..."

"Er, sister dear, perhaps it would be best to... to tone that down, just for today? He's not here anyway..."

"Katyusha, you are my sister and therefore I am obligated to care for you, but do _not_ get between me and our brother."

"I-I'm not trying to, dear, I o-only... I only..."

Dear God! Er, don't cry poppet, it's not an issue at all, I assure you! There now, have a kerchief to dry your eyes.

"Th-thank you so much! Y-you're such a gentleman..."

Well I _do_ try to give that impression so-

"YOU! Man with the ugly eyebrows! Continue big brother's story now, if he left you in charge do your job for him!"

AH! No need to wield that knife around here, I was just getting to it! Honestly, what is wrong with this family... Anyway, one day the old man went to town and bought a fish for each of his two daughters.

"H're ya go."

"Thank you father!"

"... thank you strange tall man with the creepy face."

Er, Sweden's looking upset now... and still intimidating as usual... well I'm sure it will be fine. The elder sister ate her fish, but the younger one went to the well and said:

"Little fish, what should I do with you?"

"Ha ha ha..."

Romania, _please_ don't do your Dracula laugh right now. This is a fairy tale, not a horror novel and that's very disconcerting!

"I see nothing wrong with the fish's laugh. The narrator should not interrupt! I should carve out your heart to give to my big brother!"

"Woah, hey, I 'vas just joking around. No need to get so testy 'vith each other over that, right? Anyway, do not eat me young lady! But put me into the water and I will be useful to you."

Er, right, so, the maiden dropped the fish into the well and went home. Now, the old woman had a great dislike for her younger daughter.

"I do? Also, I'm not a woman!"

You are now! _Genderus Benderus!_

"Um, what is that suppose to me- OH MY GOD I HAVE BREASTS!"

There. Now you're a woman, and we will continue.

"WHAT THE FUCK HOLY HELL WHY WOULD YOU EVEN DO THAT?"

"... T'no looks c'te..."

"I AM NOT CUTE! WHAT THE FUCK! TURN ME BACK! **TURN ME BACK!**"

You'll be turned back when this story is over, so there. Anyway, the old woman dressed the elder sister in her best clothes, made ready to take her to mass, and gave the younger sister one two measures of rye.

"Oh! Er... do I really have to say that to Belarus?"

Yes. I'm certainly not doing it.

"God I'm so... okay! You, girl, take this rye and husk it before we return from church!"

"Fine."

"... I can't believe I lived through that..."

"Natalya is a good girl, really! She knows the value of hard work!"

"Shut up, sister."

"Er, r-right, well, we're off to church!"

So, Natalya went to fetch water; she sat on the edge of the well and wept. Or um, kind of mimed it... a little... The Romanian fish swam to the surface and asked her:

"'Vhy do you 'veep lovely maiden?"

Okay seriously, you don't even actually talk like that...

"I can't talk like this if I 'vant to."

You're enabling your stereotype! Honestly!

"Says the man drinking tea right now."

Th-that has nothing to do with stereotype! Tea is a British tradition!

"'Vhatever."

Fine! Whatever! Belarus?

"I was waiting for you stupid nations to be finished trying to ruin big brother's story. I will get you later. So, how can I help weeping? My mother has dressed my sister in her best clothes and gone with her to mass, but she left me home and ordered me to husk two measures of rye before her return from church."

"'Vell that 'vas a flat delivery. Anyway, 'veep not! Dress and go to church, the rye 'vill be husked."

Oh, will you need any help with that? I have a neat little spell that will-

"England, I know enough magic to husk 'vheat and I can do it much better than you can."

Hey! I take offense to that!

"'Vell it's true."

Dash it all... well, Natalya dressed and went to mass. Her mother did not recognise her and toward the end of the mass the girl went home. Very soon her mother too came home and said:

"Oh god do I honestly have to say this to Belarus?"

Better you than me. Do you want your cock back or not?

"Ooh you... er, well you ninny! Did you husk the rye?"

"I did."

"Still alive... uh, what a beauty we saw at mass! The priest neither chanted nor read, but looked at her all the time- and just look at you, you ninny, see how you're dressed!"

"I wasn't there, mother, but I know all about it."

"How could you know?"

The girl did not have an answer and the next day the mother dressed her elder daughter in her best clothes, went with her to mass and left three measures of barley for the younger one saying:

"Right, ah, while I pray to God, you will husk the barley!"

"Fine."

"Goodbye dearest sister!"

"..."

So she went to mass, and her younger daughter went to fetch water at the well. She sat down at the edge and-

"Fish! Get up!"

"'Vell that 'vas rude. You threw a rock at me."

"I do not have time for waiting. I do not weep and I do not wish to mime it again as it is beneath my dignity to weep for assistance. At this point my brother's story is ruined beyond help so it must be finished quickly so that I may avenge it."

"... oookay there honey. You 'vill leave the charming fish alone though, right?"

"We'll see if you _**SAY THE FUCKING LINES**_."

"EEP! Whatdoyouneedlovelymaiden?"

"My mother has dressed my sister in her best clothes and taken her to mass but left me at home and ordered me to husk three measures of barley before she returns from church."

"Dressandgotochurchthebarley'villbehusked!"

"Good."

Er, right... how did Russia rope me into this... ahem. So the maiden dressed, went to church and began to pray to God. The priest neither chanted nor read but looked at her all the while. You know honestly, this priest is kind of ridiculously bad at his job. What is a mass if the priest doesn't do anything but stare at some saucy tart in the back row? How does he keep his position!

"I-If Belarus walked into the same building you were in, w-would you not keep your eyes on her?"

Estonia? Oh well... I suppose so...

"You understand my reasoning."

Yes, yes I suppose I do. Ah, good luck with that then, old bean! Right, so that day the king's son was attending mass, our beautiful maiden pleased him tremendously and he wanted to know whose daughter she was.

"Belarus! NATALYA! Look, I'm the prince!"

"Oh God. _You_."

"Right! It's me! Toris! I'm so happy you remembered my name!"

Uh, she didn't say your- GOOD GOD! Did she... did she just break your wrist?

"What? Oh, so she did! She has quite a grip, I'm sure she doesn't know her own strength!"

You're like a weird, different person around her... uh, anyway... so the prince took some pitch and threw it under Natalya's golden slipper. The slipped remained when the girl went home.

"Good riddance, ugly girly man."

"Heh heh, she's such a kidder! Anyway~ I will marry her whose slipper this is!"

Soon the old woman too came home after her daughter. She said: "Oh what a beauty was there! The priest neither chanted nor read, but all the time looked at her- and just look at you, w-what a tatterdemalion you are! ... tatterdemalion?"

Oh, a ragamuffin, someone wearing tattered or ragged clothing.

"Oh. Is the story over yet?"

No not yet, don't get your knickers in a twist.

"I WOULDN'T HAVE KNICKERS IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU!"

Ahem, so in the meantime the prince was traveling from one district to another, seeking the maiden who had lost her slipper, but he could not find anyone whom it fitted. He came to the old woman and said:

"Call your young daughter hither; I want to see whether the slipper fits her!"

You look rather giddy...

"Even if it's for a play, I'll always be happy to wed... aaaah Natalya..."

This is creepy in its own way really... Anyway, the old woman protested that her daughter would dirty the slipper but still the maiden came and the prince tried the slipper on her, it fit.

"Yay! Now we can get married!"

"I will only marry big brother**. BIG BROTHER WHERE ARE YOU? LET'S BECOME ONE!**"

"Natalya I... I love you!"

No don't kiss her- AH! That probably... oh god she... your jaw...

"Ha ha... s-silly, d-doesn't know her own strength... beautiful..."

Y-your... you've got blood coming from your mouth... um... well for the sake of fairy tale, I will wrap this up to say that in theory they married and lived happily and prospered. I drank beer at their wedding; it ran down my lips but never went into my mouth. Er, probably for the best actually... n-not that I can't hold my drink or anything! Um. But I was given a flowing robe to wear, but a raven flew over me and cawed: "Flowing robe!" but I thought he said "Throw the robe!" so I threw it away. I asked for a cap but received a slap- OW! Seriously, what is up with the end of this fairy tale? Er, but I was given red slippers but the raven flew over and cawed "Red slippers!" and I thought he said "Robbed slippers!" so I threw them away as well.

No... no really, that's how this fairy tale ends, with a weird little speech like that... I don't understand Russians at all. Furthermore I- OH NO!

"**DO NOT INSULT BIG BROTHER'S STORIES!**"

I-I wasn't! I swear, i-it was just a comment I-

"**I WILL AVENGE BIG BROTHER'S HONOUR SO HE WILL LOVE ME AND **_**MARRY ME**_!"

Oh for God's sake! Well I'm leaving and if Russia thinks I'm babysitting his sister again he's wrong! I'M LEAVING!

"Wait! Come back! WHAT ABOUT MY BREASTS? I WANT TO BE A BOY AGAIN!"

"S'alr'ght, yer st'll c'te..."

"NOT HELPING!"

"And you! Girl with books and little white hat!"

"What, me?"

"HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A TATTERDEMELION?"

"Ah! I-it- I- B-but... Um, hey is that Russia? _Quick, Berwald, RUN!_"

"Where? BIG BROTHER! _**MARRY ME! MARRY ME! MARRY ME! MARRY ME!**_"

XOXOXO

In an underground bunker in the uncharted regions of Siberia, Russia sat shivering in front of the fireplace, looking terrified as the distant voice echoed in his ears.

**_"_**_MARRY ME! MARRY ME! MARRY ME!"_

"No matter where I go, how is it _never far enough?_"

_((Joyful Note: So... Belarus is about now. She will return. Russia cannot escape forever... Bleh, anyway, waiting for the third part of video I took of the Hetalia Voice Actor Panel to upload to youtube and thought: Hey, this will take 9 hours, let's update one of my fanfics! And here we are. I'm tired, but I need to be on alert until 3am when the upload will complete. Anime North in Toronto was great this year. Voice actor guests included Japanese Austria, English Chibitalia, Belarus AND the delicious France. Damn I love it. Also got myself Russia and France body pillows! Always a happiness~ So another year goes by. Hope to help another part up soon with my yaoi action. These female characters man, totally mess up my vibes. Need more guyXguy. See you later!))_


	14. Emelya the Simpleton

**Russian Fairy Tales with Ivan Braginski 14**

Warning: Holy Rome X Chibitalia (okay not really a warning)

_**A Note from the Narrator:**_ Privyet readers! Da, da, I know, I have been absent for a while. Sadly I had to stay in an underground bunker for several months waiting for Belarus to calm down enough for the tranquilizers to work. She will hopefully stay asleep long enough for this story to be told, though really she's a nice girl aside from her insanity, really!

The good thing about the long absence has been that when I did my rounds to recruit actors for this next wonderful tale, they were caught off guard, da? And so I was able to get people I who had put up their guard before! But also I listened to my readers who asked for the child form of Italy and someone called the 'Holy Roman Empire' to make an appearance. Now at first I thought this would be difficult, but after doing a little research and commissioning more help from England I believe I will be able to give you this. As such I will not in fact be in this story but do not worry; I will assuredly be present in the next one! And as usual I will be your narrator again. Though England did not do such a bad job last time...

So we will have Holy Roman Empire starring in this tale. I will have to summon him and Italy however so I will be using a spell now to get that done. Of course the spell should only be temporary... though I've never quite used it before... oh well! England said it should be fine, da! So... _Chibiski Chibiski Adorus Forevs!_

Enjoy the story, dear readers!

XOXOXO

**Emelya the Simpleton**

Once there were Germanic three brothers, of whom two were wise and the third was a simpleton. Their names were Lars, Roderich and Henrich. Which I find fascinating, I never knew Netherland's human name before, but Henrich's name I never would have guessed, I thought it would be-

"Oh will you get on with this fairy tale nonsense already? There's a concert tonight that I am conducting, and I will not be late because you are talking about ridiculous things!"

KOL KOL KOL KOL KOL

"Very well. I shall express my displeasure via the piano."

What? Where did get a piano from? Is that Chopin?

"You made him angry. Weird."

Ah... da, well, is Henrich awake yet?

"W-where am I? W-where's Italy? I must find her! I told her I would come back!"

Italy will come soon, da? But for now, the wise brothers went to buy merchandise in the towns and told the simpleton:

"What, we're speaking at the same time?"

Da, Netherlands, it's how the story goes!

"Ja, ja, it shouldn't be that difficult. Lars, on the count of three, and one, and two, and three-"

"Now mind, Henrich! Obey our wives and respect them as you would your own mother. We shall buy you red boots, a red caftan and a red shirt in return!"

Nicely said!

"Thank you."

"Actually, I would say Lars was rather flat. Perhaps we ought to try aga- OW! Y-you hit me!"

"I elbowed you. Slightly. Let Russia tell the story, I thought you had somewhere to be?"

"Y-yes, well... fine!"

"And stop playing Chopin."

"I CAN PLAY IF I WANT TO!"

ENOUGH! Austria is being difficult, da? If he keeps this up, I will smash his piano.

"N-NEIN! You wouldn't... you can't do that!"

... do you know me at all, comrade? Of course I would, da.

"V-very well, continue with this tale then. As the great Austrian Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart once said, _'__Nevertheless the passions, whether violent or not, should never be so expressed as to reach the point of causing disgust.'_ As such, I will not use my piano if it is for some reason causing disgust to you."

Good. Now then, the simpleton replied to them:

"Oh, ah, well if it will help me see Italy again then I will do whatever it takes! So very well, I will respect your wives!"

And so the brothers left for town and the simpleton laid down on the stove and stayed there.

"O-on the stove? Am I not supposed to be working?"

You are, but for now do as I say, da, or you will not get to see Italy.

"YOU CANNOT KEEP HER FROM ME!"

... her? Well uh... we will move along. So his sisters-in-law, Elizabeta and Belle, said to him:

"Okay Belle, one, two, three."

"What are you do- Eliza?"

"Oh I was late, um... NOW!"

"What are you doing, Henrich? Your brothers told you to respect us and promised to bring you gifts in return. But you are lying on the stove and do no work at all; at least go and fetch water!"

"Talking at the same time is hard, but we did it!"

"We did! But Belle, I thought Lars was your brother..."

"Oh, it's just for the story of course!"

"Oh right, silly me! Anyway, Russia promised me that I'd get to see Holy Rome and Italy together again, isn't that exciting?"

"That's right, you told me of that! I'm excited too!"

Ow, that squealing is loud... um... so the simpleton took the pails and went to fetch water. He drew water, and a pike got into one of the pails. The simpleton said:

"Um, there's no pike in the bucket."

What? Oh, Gilbunny must have escaped. I'll get him back, da?

"Gil-bunny?"

"OW! LET GO! THAT FUCKING HURT- OH FOR THE- w-wait, West?"

"Who? Ah, I am The Holy Roman Empire, Henrich. Brother Prussia, that is you, is it not?"

"... I forgot how funny you sounded back then! KESESESE! Wait, Russia did you do this to my bro? Why the fuck would you do that?!"

It was a request. I am very reasonable, da? Do not worry, it is only temporary.

"Phht, whatever. I'm here then. The fucking pike. A fish. I'M A FUCKING FISH."

"Er, _si_, so... thanks be to God! Now I shall cook this pike, I shall eat my fill, and I will not give any to my sisters-in-law because I am angry at them!"

"Hey, that's not... wait, who are your sisters-in-law in this?"

"Ah, Miss Belgium and Miss Hungary?"

"PHH- KESESESESE! Hungary? Damn right she's not getting a piece of this!"

... Gilbunny, say your lines now or I might eat you, da?

"... freak. Whatever. Yo, Henrich, don't eat me. Put me back in the water and you will be happy!"

"What happiness will you bring me?"

"This is what I give: whatever you say will come to pass. If you say now: 'By the pike's command, by my own request, go, pails. Go home by yourselves and stand in your accustomed place.'"

"So, do I say that now? It's not in the script..."

Oh, da, well I'm going to infer that you do, for the sake of less repetition, da? Modern readers are not as interested in repeated passages as they were back in the days of oral story telling.

"Phht, kids don't know how good they got it. When I was an awesome kid, stories were just one stanza repeated over and over for an hour and we ENJOYED it!"

Are you calling yourself old, Gilbunny?

"What? NEIN! When YOU were a kid, stories were one LETTER repeated over and over for hours but the only one around back then to enjoy them was you so only you would like that!"

That's mean Gilbunny. But maybe I can teach you one of my older stories later that is only one sound over and over. You will learn it well I assure you.

"... I... I don't know what you have in mind, you freak."

It's a scream-y kind of sound.

"OKAY STOP."

With some moans...

"STOP! MINI-WEST IS RIGHT THERE, STOP IT!"

"Er, so, I said the phrase, or you infer that I did?"

Hmm? Oh right! Spasibo for reminding me, comrade! Gilbunny may leave.

"FINALLY! And you make sure West's back to normal after!"

Now as soon as the simpleton said this, the pails straightaway went home and stood in their place. The sisters-in-law beheld this and marveled.

"He is not a simpleton at all, is he Elizabeta?"

"No Belle, he is so clever that his pails have come home by themselves!"

Then the simpleton came home and lay down on the stove. Again his sisters-in-law said to him... actually, perhaps Hungary ought to say this, since speaking together didn't work out so well the last couple of times.

"Right, so, why do you lie on the stove? We have no wood. Go out and fetch wood!"

The simpleton took two axes, sat in the sled, but did not harness the horses to it.

"Oh, yes that's right... By the pike's command, by my own request, roll, sled, into the woods! A-AH!"

There, it is moving well, da? So, the sled rolled speedily forward as though someone were driving it with a horse. The simpleton had to drive through the town, and without a horse he ran over so many people that it was a disaster.

"O-OH NO! I-I'M SO SORRY! Oh meus Deus, I didn't mean for this..."

Well, this is very messy. Lots of blood, da? Luckily it was all faceless extras. But the people demanded that he stop and pay for his cries. Instead the simpleton entered the woods, got off the sled, sat down on a tree trunk and said:

"I-I'm a murderer... even if they were faceless extras this is just... oh God what will Italy say? B-but... L-let one ax cut from the root, let the other ax chop wood!"

And the wood was chopped and loaded onto the sled. The simpleton said:

"N-now ax, go out and cut a stick for me so that I will have something to lift the load with."

The ax cut a stick for him; the stick came and lay on the sled. The simpleton sat in the sled and drove homeward. He passed through the town, but there the people had assembled to wait for him. The caught him and began to belabor him.

"Belabor?"

Oh, it means to attack or assault physically or verbally.

"Oh. Well, I have no choice then! By the pike's command, by my own request, go, stick, and take care of this mob!"

So the stick jumped up and set about hitting and thrashing to left and to right, till it had beaten up a great multitude of people, who fell to the ground like sheaves of grain. Thus the simpleton got rid of them and came home, stacked up the wood, and sat on the stove.

"Why the stove, though? Why sit here of all places?"

Well, this story takes place in my home, and the stove is warm, da?

"Well that does make sense. But when is Italy coming? I really need to tell her I'm sorry for not coming back as quickly as I wanted to!"

He... she? Will be here quite soon. Now, the inhabitants of the town went to the king with a petition against the simpleton, stating that he ought to be seized and must be lured by a stratagem. The best of all, they said, would be to promise him a red shirt, a red caftan, and red boots. So the word of the promise was sent to the simpleton straight away.

"How did the townspeople know that my 'brothers' promised me such things?"

You ask a lot of questions. It is a story. Though actually, I think I saw Netherlands in the town smoking something odd and talking about red things to the townspeople...

"Well um... by the pike's command, by my own request, go, stove, take me to the king!"

He sat on the stove, and the stove went straight to the king's house and sat before the throne. The king wished him put to death. Er, wait a moment, the king should be... well I didn't exactly come up with an actual kind since he doesn't have speaking roles but-

"But-a surely you don't object to the GREAT ROMAN EMPIRE making-a cameo, right?"

I-is that who you are? Sorry, I don't remember meeting you in person before, but I admire your ability to conquer things and bend others to your will.

"Really? I-a mostly just eat and fight and have sex, but sure! Oh, but look, my little Italy is little again! And in a dress... how weirdly adorable! That's my adorable grandson!"

"Um, um, Grandpa Rome, you're squishing me just a little... Oh! Holy Rome!"

"What? You... but... that's... that's the Roman Empire and... w-well, Italy! I'm so sorry I did not come back fast enough!"

"Oh, it's okay, I was waiting for you!"

Ahem, to continue, the daughter conceived a great liking for the simpleton and began to beg her father to let her marry him.

"M-marry me? D-do you think?"

"Marry? Oh! Oh I'd like that very much, Grandpa Rome!"

"What? My-a little Italy is getting married? THEY GROW UP SO FAST! BWAAAAH!"

"D-don't cry Grandpa Rome. A-and you're crushing me again..."

Anyway, her father grew angry, wedded them, and had them both put into a barrel.

"What? I can't-a do that to my sweet little Italy! You've got to be joking!"

"I-I don't want to go into a barrel Grandpa Rome!"

You will be fine! This is a fairy tale, the hero and love interest usually live!

"U-usually? You leave my love Italy alone!"

You live in this one! I swear! Oh come on... just... okay leave the lid off... I would normally force my way but for the sake of respecting a great predecessor I will ask the barrel be allowed to float in the sea here.

"Well-a, I suppose sailing is something Italy isn't bad at... Alright! It was nice seeing you again, Italy!"

Right... so the barrel sailed on the water then with the simpleton and the princess inside. Finally the princess asked,

"Oh! Make that we be thrown out onto the shore?"

"Oh, right! I have that power, I forgot! So, by the pike's command, by my own request, let this barrel be thrown onto the shore!"

They climbed out of the barrel and now the princess asked him to build a hut.

"That is not good enough for my Italy! By the pike's command, by my own request, let a marble palace be built, and let this palace be right opposite the king's palace!"

All this was accomplished at once, the next morning the king saw the new palace and sent someone to find out who was living in it. As soon as he heard that his daughter was living there, he demanded that she and her husband appear before him. They came, the king kind forgave them, and they began to live happily ever after and to prosper! Is that not nice?

"Married... at last. A-and now we're in a barrel. Um... I-I love you, Italy!"

"Oh, I love you too, Holy Rome!"

"You're the most beautiful girl in the world!"

"Huh? But... I'm a boy."

"Oh, sorry, most beautiful b- b-b-BOY?! YOU'RE A BOY?!"

"Ah, si?"

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!"

"Huh? Well I just thought it was obvious..."

"B-but... YOU WERE WEARING A DRESS!"

"Well Mr. Austria put me in that. I thought it was weird, but I didn't really think it was a big deal. Big brother Spain put Romano in a dress too."

He did? That's amusing, da? Anyway, that's the end of the tale! _Chibiski Chibiski Adorus Accomplus!_

"GAH!"

"EEP!"

And now you are back to normal! Well, Italy is still in a dress but that's not really a problem, da?

"Woah, my head feels funny Ludwig... AH! W-what's Russia doing here? What's going on?"

"I-I don't know Italy, but I don't like it! Schiesse... Russia, you leave Italy out of your twisted games! We're leaving!"

Okay! Bye-bye! Hmm, Germany seems angry with me for some reason. Oh well! I wonder where Gilbunny ran off to... maybe I'll just find out what Netherlands was smoking and join him instead. I don't think I've spent any time having 'fun' with him before! It could be entertaining! Alright readers, until next time! Do svidanya!

XOXOXO

"_**A FISH! A MOTHERFUCKING FISH! I'M BETTER THAN PLAYING A FISH DAMN IT! I HAVE STANDARDS!"**_

Prussia had randomly burst into Latvia's house, making the small nation scream and burst into tears in the kitchen where he had been getting cookies out of the oven. Lithuania and Estonia had rushed from the living room to his aid, only to find Prussia ranting about indignities and whatnot. While in a giant fish costume, his face poking out of the fish's open mouth. It was rather distracting.

"WE'RE GOING BACK TO ENGLAND'S HOUSE!" Prussia screamed at the Baltics, "And THIS time, if he's not there, we're going to WAIT THERE for weeks if we have to until he gets back! AND WE'LL EAT ALL HIS FOOD!"

Lithuania winced. "Er, h-have you ever actually eaten Mr. England's food before?"

"Huh? Well, no, but it can't be THAT bad, like everyone says, right? I mean Francis is overly dramatic and doesn't even like MY awesome food so he's obviously really picky," Prussia shrugged.

The Baltics looked at each other, then back at Prussia.

"Well," Estonia said slowly, taking off his glasses to wipe on his shirt, "I suppose it's for the best."

And so the alliance was reformed and Prussia and the Baltics were on the next plane to England. Hopefully things will work out for them this time around.

_((Joyful Note: So... in the next one of these interludes we're going to have them actually find England I suppose. Will he be helpful? I suppose we shall see. And yes... I'm back. Somehow. Maybe I can get another spurt of 3 or 4 of these out before I vanish for months again.))_


End file.
